Thoughts, Ideas, Contemplation

For me, the best conversations are ‘big talk’ - those that add value, challenge your thinking or introduce new perspectives. The below articles have stemmed out of late night suppers in the city, my lived experience abroad, coffees with friends, or simply wandering around the countryside at home.

Everything I know from 15 months of WFA (Working From Anywhere)

‘I just want to take my laptop and go and work on my own things abroad’.

I distinctly remember the phone call I had with my mum in November 2021. I remember feeling frustrated — that I could perform my job remotely yet was still living in my London flat. That the world of work had changed since the pandemic — it had opened up so many opportunities and potential, yet I felt like I wasn’t making the most of it.

Fast forward to November 2023 and things look very different. Over the last 15 months, I’ve lived in 6 different cities abroad and during that time also taken a tech start-up to market.

I’ve had my eyes opened to a completely different approach to work / life and I’ve seen what’s possible. So much so, that I’ve decided to now help others do the same, particularly when it comes to starting their own online business.

During my journey, I’ve met hundreds of entrepreneurs, remote workers, digital nomads, marketers, developers, freelancers and more. All of whom now enjoy a level of location freedom. One thing these people have in common is that they all have a drive and lust for life as well as their career.

Having WFA myself, here’s an honest account of the top things I have learnt.

It will push you out of your comfort zone

Nothing will prepare you for taking a plane to a city you’ve never been before, alone, knowing no one. Having to navigate a new culture, new surroundings all while hustling in your business / job / project. I didn’t really appreciate how much I would feel stretched and uncomfortable, but it’s fair to say that it will truly grow you as a person.

It’s not as glamorous as it sounds

Despite the Instagram influencers, digital nomadism is not all laptops on beaches. I have to tell people time and time again that most of my time is spent indoors working — much like everyone else. Yes, you get to explore and travel at the weekends and maybe the evenings, but it’s not always a rosy lifestyle. Add to that booking planes / accommodation / transport and it can be pretty unglamorous and exhausting.

It will enrich your life in so many ways

That said, WFA will enrich your life in SO many ways. It was only in September this year that I realised I hadn’t taken a proper holiday since the previous year. I guess because I felt that I didn’t need to (in the end though, I did — for rest and recuperation rather than for anything else!) Because when you WFA you are already in the places that you would usually dream of going on holiday. This is an incredible feeling and enriches your quality of life in so many ways — imagine going for an 8am swim in the Mediterranean Sea before you start work for the day. You can’t beat it.

It can be lonely

But.. it can feel lonely at times. Especially if you are going solo. 60% of digital nomads are single and work far away from their colleagues. I have to admit, landing in a new city 6 times knowing no one can be tough. Luckily for me, I really enjoy meeting new people and often find my community in every place I go. But that’s not to say I don’t get lonely. It can be hard being away from family, colleagues and friends.

It is not forever

Which brings me on to the last point. WFA is not forever. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure some people will want to travel and adopt this lifestyle their whole life, but for me it is best approached as a chapter in your life when you are free and don’t have many commitments. Eventually, you may want to build a permanent community, start a family or simply stay put. For me personally, I like the idea of having a fluid base — a place that is yours where you stay most of the time, but for a few months each year go where you wish.

Closing thoughts

When I started my journey in June 2022 and hopped on a plane to Valencia, I had only planned to go abroad for 3 months.

The fact that it’s now been 15 months says something. Even if there are downsides, the upsides have outweighed these in so many ways.

Because the truth is, this experience will change you.

It will open up so many doors.

And it will show you that hey — the internet, technology and remote work has meant we can live a life on our own terms.

So why don’t we?

3 ways to get outside your comfort zone - now

Our ‘comfort zone’ is the psychological state in which we feel safe and at ease.

It’s normal to want to be in this zone. And in fact, it’s good to be in it some of the time — after all, we cannot be constantly on alert and feeling uncomfortable.

That said, the comfort zone is also the place where we stick to our routines, do the same things over and over again and avoid taking risks in life. While it may seem like a secure place to be, staying within our comfort zone for too long can lead to stagnation and a lack of personal growth.

I remember feeling this way after five years in London at the same company. I knew that I had stagnated and dreamed of something that would stretch me. It wasn’t that I was unhappy or anything was seriously wrong — it was more that I needed a new learning and growth curve in my life.

So how do we step out our comfort zone? Here are three approaches I like to take.

1. If you don't try, you never know

Trying something new can be daunting, especially if it’s something that you have never done before. I had no clue what it would be like to live abroad nor work for myself. I decided to make two massive changes in my life, both at the same time, so I well and truly left the comfort zone there!

It’s natural to feel a sense of fear or anxiety when stepping into the unknown, but it is important to remember that this is exactly the point at which growth and learning happens.

By pushing ourselves beyond our limits and trying new things, we often discover new things about us, such as strengths and abilities we never knew we had. In the last 9 months I feel I have developed in ways I wouldn’t have done had I not stepped out my comfort zone.

It is also important to embrace failure and see it as a learning opportunity. When you try something new, there is always the risk of failure. I think this is what holds a lot of people back to start with. Even now I sometimes worry about this. But what even is failure? If something didn’t turn out the way you planned it to, if you still have learnt and grown in the process, then surely that is a success in and of itself? By viewing failure in this way, I think we would all be more willing to take risks and try new things.

2. Start small, dream big

Stepping out your comfort zone doesn’t have to mean doing something as life changing as I have. In fact, a great place to start is just to set small, achievable goals. This could be something as simple as trying a new dance class or applying for a different role at work. Once you start accomplishing these small goals, you will build confidence and be more willing to take on bigger challenges and risks. The culmination of small steps is often what then allows you to pursue your bigger dreams in the longer term.

3. Find inspiring people

Another way to step out of your comfort zone is to surround yourself with people who inspire you. I cannot stress this enough! Right from my first week as a shiny eyed graduate, I always sought mentors and leaders who I looked up to or who I wanted to be like one day. Find someone who has accomplished something that you admire and learn from them. By observing their behavior and asking them questions, you can gain valuable insights into how they overcame their own fears and achieved their goals.

Since I embarked on the digital nomad journey, I have been surrounded by some fascinating and interesting people who have inspired me further due to their own stories, careers and experiences. The community I have found and the stories I have heard have truly energised me.

Closing thoughts

Getting out of your comfort zone is something we all should try.

It may be scary at first, but often that's where the most growth and learning happens. By trying something new, setting small, achievable goals and surrounding yourself with inspiring people, a lot more can seem possible.

So why not go ahead and take that first step outside of your comfort zone? You might be surprised at what you find.

5 things I learnt from my social media break

This article was written at the start of November 2022.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling a bit burnt out – not from work but from life. A lot of ‘newness’ was taking its toll. Amongst the excitement of embarking on a digital nomad lifestyle – and having found myself in a second city (Split) – I had a big realisation that I had forgotten to rest.

I was also doing a huge amount of content creation, more than I had done before. This was on top of all the other work projects I was doing.

Part of my week of ‘resetting’ was taking a break from social media. (I’ll write another post on what else I did).

Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy social media. No doubt you are reading this because I have promoted this blog post on there!

But I realised how I had been doing a LOT and perhaps enjoying it a bit less.

Fitness star Joe Wicks often talks about how he takes days off sometimes because – as a hugely popular content creator – it takes a lot of energy from him.

So, what did I do? I told my close friends that I was on a break and let my wider network know. I removed the apps from my homescreen. And I didn’t post for 8 days.

What did I learn?

Social media should feel enjoyable. As soon as it becomes a chore, a drain or there is a feeling of disconnect, it’s time to take a break.

Social media should be used with a purpose. I realised that it’s the mindless scrolling that really drains you. This passive – rather than active – interaction is much like watching TV while eating junk. Feels good in the moment, but leaves you feeling a bit meh afterwards.

Social media needs to be taken with a pinch of salt. Everyone – including me – shows the key highlights of their life. That is only one part of their life. That happy couple who just posted? They probably had an argument afterwards. That person who got promoted? You never saw the late nights to get there. Remember – it’s only half the story.

Social media is not a platform to prove yourself. This was a big lesson for me. As a type A high-achiever, I love to put my achievements out there. But it’s important to know that external validation is a fickle mantle to base yourself on. Keep posting but remember validation starts with you.

You have more time (and feel more creative). It’s no surprise that I had more time – the irony being that I could then use that extra time to think about better content for future. The break from social media gave me more headspace to be creative when I did go back.

My mini break was very good for me and I think I’ll try taking a few more in future.

I’ve also recently experimented with setting some of my social media to private (my Instagram for example) while keeping other channels public (YouTube, my Website) which has been a good balance.

Ultimately, I have seen amongst my circle and beyond a trend. Social media breaks are becoming more and more popular, with many ditching the apps for anything from a couple of days to a few months, all in the name of greater peace and energy.

Have you ever taken a break from social media? Why or why not? And if you did - what did you learn from it?

How to approach conflict  in  3 key steps

In life, we will face conflict. There’s no way around it. In business. In relationships. With friends. With strangers. Conflict will arise because we are all human and we will not always agree. We each come with our own opinions and perspectives, unique to us and our backgrounds, experiences and environment.

There is no magic potion that could ever make us agree all the time. Nor would we want to –the best ideas can come through healthy disagreement.

I have experienced conflict throughout the years, but I have learnt that rather than avoiding it altogether (which can lead to never speaking up for what you believe) there are ways to navigate conflict when you disagree with someone.

Although sometimes unpleasant, conflict can be resolved if both parties are mature enough to find a way to resolve it. If one person isn’t engaging in the resolution process, then that becomes the biggest obstacle you will face, arguably more harmful than the disagreement itself.

The following three tips can be applied to conflict in a work or personal setting. Nuances will apply depending on the setting, people involved and type of conflict, but this should work as a good starting point.

Step One: Cool down

We have our fight or flight response for evolutionary reasons. But that innate desire is still within us when we strongly disagree with someone. Our lizard brain kicks in and suddenly, our emotions are the ones leading the conversation. The rational side of our brain becomes clouded. This is sometimes referred to as our System 1 vs System 2 thinking, a concept coined by by psychologist and author Daniel Kahneman. In other words, our System 1 thinking (fast, immediate, emotional) becomes stronger than our System 2 thinking (slower, reflective, rational) especially in the heat of the moment.

Once the conflict is over, the best thing you can do is take some time alone to cool down and reflect on what happened. Take yourself out of the emotional bubble so you can see the situation more clearly and rationally.

Step Two: Empathise

We will always believe we have the better argument. But try – if you can – to see the other person’s perspective for a moment and empathise with that. Why did they say what they did? Is there a good reason behind it? Do they make a fair point, albeit one that you don’t want to admit right now? Analyse the conflict from a 360 perspective, rather than purely from our own eyes. This doesn’t mean you end up changing your opinion, but rather it gives you a better means to navigate the conversation and hopefully reach some form of win-win outcome.

Step Three: Agree to talk again

Which brings us to the third tip. Communication is the final stage in conflict resolution. And this is where both parties must be engaged for a situation to resolve. If someone is wanting to take an avoidant stance, then chances are you won’t resolve what pushed you apart in the first place. It is often the easy, short-sighted choice to not talk about it again, but that runs the risk of damaging the relationship in the long-term as feelings fester.

If both parties are mature enough to speak, carve out a time and make it clear that the conversation will be to discuss the area of conflict, so both people are prepared. When you do come together to talk, try to do so in a productive manner, not one where you just say your point all over again. Try to listen and find a common ground that will allow you both to move forwards.

And if there is no common ground – then that itself is a resolution. You agree to disagree despite all efforts. The question then becomes what that means for both people.

Closing thoughts

Conflict isn’t something enjoyable. I don’t like it and chances are nor do you.

But I have also realised that in life we have conflict – in work and personal settings. So rather than trying to avoid it altogether, the best thing we can do is master the art of conflict navigation. Cool down, emphasise, and communicate.

The next time you face a disagreement in life, try these three tips and see if they help.

Everything you didn’t know about being a digital nomad

I’m just over 4 months into my digital nomad experiment. I say ‘experiment’ because that is what it is – a trial to see what combining career and lifestyle is really like. Is it as easy as social media makes it out to be? Will I enjoy it? What is it like in practice?

It feels strange writing that it has been almost half a year already. It only seems like yesterday that I jumped on the plane to Valencia and took a leap of faith on my sabattical to try what I have always wanted to do.

It feels a good point to reflect and so – that’s what this article is.

But rather than telling you all the things you probably already know about being a digital nomad (the freedom, the incredible opportunity to live in different places etc.) I thought I would share the things you probably didn’t know – at least I didn’t when I started this journey.

1. Everywhere will feel like home

I thought the UK would still feel like home – but as a digital nomad home can be wherever you go. It’s true when they say home is a feeling, not a place. In many ways, Valencia felt more my ‘home’ than London (check out this YouTube video to hear why). But then when I moved to Croatia – it also had a sense of home once again, which surprised me. Each area holds a special place inside you. The people you meet, the routines you make, the places you see daily. And that’s something no one tells you when you start.

2. The community is the best part

More than the places, it’s the nomad community that has really surprised me. They are the type of people who aren’t afraid to take risks, who have a lust for life, brilliant entrepreneurs, creatives, freelancers, and people who simply aren’t afraid to challenge the status quo. All together in one place. I have met some incredible friends and made some really strong connections on this journey.

3. Leaving is always bittersweet

But that’s another thing they don’t tell you. That because of the new friends, connections and all the interesting people you meet, leaving becomes a bittersweet symphony. Sweet because you have the freedom and opportunity to travel and explore somewhere new all over again while working remotely. Bitter because you must say goodbye to the people you have been closest to since arriving.

4. People will champion your decision or judge it

Nomad community aside, the reaction you get from people not on this lifestyle is often one of two. They will either champion it, cheer and support you (and those reading this now are probably in that camp!), or they will quietly judge you – perhaps from a place of insecurity or envy. When you are do things differently to the status quo, some people can feel uncomfortable. 

5. You’ll still have bad days

One misconception I had is that by following this adventure I wouldn’t possibly feel down. I mean, freedom, sun, sea, amazing people - how could you? But human nature doesn’t work that way. Although I have been really enjoying this experience, I also have had days where I have doubts, am down, or am really hard on myself, just like everyone else. No lifestyle can change that.  

6. You’ll miss your home-comforts

Ah. This one is perhaps less of a surprise but I’m including it anyway. No amount of sangria or sea can stop me craving my mum’s roast dinner and a good old-fashioned cup of tea. It’s true when they say some things never change!    

In which I reset my healthy habits as a digital nomad

Lately I have lost some of the routine and healthy habits I used to have before I took my sabbatical.  

There are multiple reasons for this:

1) Moving to Europe where the day seems to go on later – dinner at 9pm in Spain (and the late nights as a result of that) was not what I am used to!

2) Fracturing my foot meant saying goodbye to any chance of exercise while I recovered.

3) Working for yourself with no ‘set’ schedule is a freeing experience – but can result in less routine and structure.

The result?

Late nights, less movement and feeling more tired the next day. While the sun and sea have been good for me – and overall, I couldn’t be happier with my quality of lifestyle right now – I sense that I could be doing better on the healthy habit front.

Setting healthy habits is so important for feeling good and being at our optimal level of performance.

I’ve decided to take stock and start a list of things that I intend to kick-start now I am in Split, Croatia – a move in country being the prime opportunity to reset.

Knowing that some of you might also be looking for some healthier habits, I thought I would share these with you.

Set a bedtime routine – and stick to it for most of the week. The Spanish mealtimes threw me off, so I am going to return to having dinner early and going to bed earlier. As for the weekends…partying till 5am is fun, but not every weekend. Studies have shown that sticking to a regular pattern is best for you and that going to bed between 10-11pm can reduce your risk of heart disease. Prioritising sleep can also make you feel better and think clearer.

Eat like an artist. As someone who is plant-based, moving also meant learning how to navigate the foreign supermarkets and stores. I realised I was pretty high on ‘beige’ foods and low on colourful foods... It’s time to go back to simple basics and try to hit at least 5 portions of fruit and veg a day. Being plant-based this should technically be easy for me! If you’re not vegetarian, maybe experiment with one or two days meat free and see how you feel.

Allow time to recharge your social batteries. Since starting my nomad journey, I have met so many incredible and interesting people from around the world. I have socialised much more than I did in London which has been great. But that also comes at a cost – feeling low on social batteries. Especially if you are a secret introvert and recharge when alone. My new apartment in Croatia is really cosy so I’m looking forward to having a few more ‘nights in’ before Christmas.

Plan in exercise at least three times a week. Now my foot is better, I want to get back to my exercise routine. I’ve joined my local gym and will also make the most of the swimming season here. Whatever it is you do – make a plan and try to stick to it. And choose something you enjoy!

Set a time to stop work. I’ve noticed that when working for yourself, you might feel so invested in your work that you go on longer than you usually would. While this is okay in the short-term, in the long term it can lead to feeling drained and tired. So, it’s time to stop when it hits the evening, unless there is a deadline or something critical that needs doing.

So that’s it. Nothing revolutionary or new. All just basic good stuff that we should be following.

Travelling and working at the same time can make it harder to set a good routine and lead a healthy lifestyle. But now I’ve become aware of that, I can proactively take the right steps to get those healthy habits back again.

Why not try out the above too?

How to find your community when living abroad

Since moving to Valencia for the summer, I have been so lucky to have met some amazing people.

I moved here completely on my own, living alone and not really speaking the language. Talk about setting yourself up for isolation…

But I have felt anything but isolated. In some ways, I feel less lonely than in London (although London is often notorious for being a lonely city).

So how do you meet people when moving to a new city? How do you find your community?

1) Seek out the nomad / international groups

Most popular cities will have some sort of nomad community. Since the pandemic, more individuals than ever are choosing to find a way to combine their career with working from anywhere. As such, these individuals naturally form a bubble in the city, that hey – you can join too. In my case, ‘Valencia Nomads’ has over 2,000 people in the community. ‘Expats Valencia’ 20k members and ‘Girl Gone International Valencia’ over 4,000 members. Attending events run by these forums is a great way to meet people.  

2) Use the connections you already have

You might also be able to use your existing connections to find people in the city you are moving to. I was lucky that a work colleague had a good friend who had lived here before, so she put me in touch with her. Similarly, a former neighbour put me in touch with his Spanish friend who grew up in the city. Speaking to these people beforehand - and then when here - was invaluable. They shared key tips such as where to stay, how transport works and answered any questions I had.

3) Be open and proactive  

Another way I have met people is by being open minded, curious and proactive. There’s no way around it - you have to make an effort to meet people when you know no one. In my first week I said yes to going to the beach with a girl I had literally met the day before – we have since become friends. Put yourself out there, be yourself and you will slowly attract likeminded people!

Your community is invaluable – especially when things go wrong

Recently, I become most grateful for the people I have met here following an accident where I fell down my apartment stairs and fractured my foot. Living alone in a new city, this is not what you want to happen…

But I was lucky to have the best people help me, like:

• The guy who came to hospital with me with one hour’s notice, sorted my documentation out and translated the language with the reception staff. He also came to the pharmacy and was just generally incredibly supportive and pragmatic on the day

• The couple who went and did my groceries for me – such a boring task and probably not how they wanted to spend their Saturday

• The girl who came with me on my second hospital visit, spending 6 hours with me when she had just arrived here on holiday (I got quite emotional at how kind she was when thanking her)

It’s amazing how good humans can help you when you need it. Never once did it cross my mind that I needed to fly back to the UK – I had enough support here. And given that support came in less than a week of arriving, I count myself very lucky indeed.

Closing thoughts

If you are moving to a new city – even if it’s just for a temporary stay like me – finding your people might seem daunting and difficult at first, but it’s actually one of the best things you can do.

It expands your comfort zone and allows you to meet people from all walks of life.

The community here is amazing and I’m lucky to have found it.

Why not fly somewhere new and find yours?

Why everyone should holiday solo (at least once!)

I have just been out for dinner along Melliah Bay, Malta at the time of writing this. I ordered myself a salad, fries, and a coconut and banana smoothie. After walking along the coast and watching the boats in the night sky, I headed back to my hotel and felt a strong urge to write.

So, here we are. It’s 9:42pm and I am blogging.

This isn’t the first time I have holidayed solo. In 2016, I went to Geneva over Christmas and stayed in a hotel overlooking the lake. It was beautiful. In 2020, I went to Corfu and ended up spending a lot of time with a lovely gay guy I bumped into at the airport.

But this has been by far my favourite solo trip. I am not quite sure why – perhaps it’s a component of age and being more assured in one’s own skin? Perhaps it was the timing of the trip, just after I took the decision to go on sabattical and work on my own projects?

But before I start explaining why it’s so great – and that you don’t have to do the whole “gap year” thing to get the same empowering feeling - I’ll tell you a secret.

When I first arrived in my apartment I cried. 

Maybe it was the tiredness of being up so early. Maybe it was the fact I was annoyed my hotel had pushed two single beds together rather than give me an official double (first world problems and yes, I feel embarrassed writing that now).

But deep down it was probably the fact I felt scared and isolated. The last 4 holidays I had been on were with a partner. Suddenly, I was the one holidaying solo. No one by my side. What was I thinking?! I considered booking a flight home while on the phone to my – slightly concerned – parents.

But fast forward to the end of the holiday and I can confirm that travelling alone is one of the most joyous, liberating and empowering things you can do in your life.

I met some amazing people and did some amazing things. I had conversations that I didn’t expect to have, in the most beautiful of places. I dined alone when I wanted. Got up when I wanted. Went where I wanted. And wasn’t compelled to be distracted by the sometimes tiresome nature of familiar company (that we all feel, but hate to admit).

So why exactly is holidaying solo so great?

•  You are forced to depend on yourself. Scary, yes – but important in life. If you have developed a little co-dependency in your relationship / friendships / family (as let’s face it, we all do) holidaying solo will prove you are capable of doing everything – and more – on your own. Confirming this to yourself is empowering.

• Your memories are your memories alone. They are yours to keep. Untainted. There is something quite special at being in awe of beautiful places, in conversation with nothing but the quietness of your own heart.

• You push yourself out of your comfort zone. If you’re on your own and don’t want to become a hermit, you must put yourself out there. I went to a party on the island on my own where I knew no one. Comfort zone levels were pushed. Those first 5 minutes especially. But it ended up being a great night - I met some lovely people, one of whom I even met the next day.

• You can do what you want when you want. Okay, I recognise this is a purely selfish reason, but it’s a reason. It feels great to be on your own schedule and terms…

Holidaying solo isn’t just for free spirits, post university folk or recent singletons.

I strongly believe it’s for everyone. As a woman, it can be daunting as you have to consider your safety more. But this is true wherever you go in the world - just be sure to check the crime rate and safety levels of the country you are visiting in advance.

Go book a trip on your own. Even if you have a family or partner. I wish I had done it more in the past. You might not want to. It will feel weird. Really uncomfortable. People will probably judge you and wonder why (“I could never do what you are doing! There is no way! Maybe I would do a day on my own” – genuine quote from my Bolt taxi driver).

Ignore the fear and the judgement. Push through and book the trip. Even if it’s just for the weekend.

I can promise you it’ll fill you with strength, love and get you closer to the only person guaranteed to be with you forever – you.

Inherent curiosity: the secret sauce to an interesting life?

Being curious is one of the greatest strengths any of us can have.

I strongly believe that curiosity is the antidote to a stagnant or dull life. You know when you meet those people who have experienced and done all sorts, the type of person you look at and feel a great sense of awe?

Chances are they are inherently curious.

Being curious, or interested, in things outside you is so important.

This is one reason why little children are often so happy and carefree. Anything new presents itself as opportunity or possibility. They are amazed at why the sky sometimes goes pink at night. Or why when you light a match, fire instantly appears.

Move to adolescence and the curiosity may still be present in certain children – the ones who always raise their hand to ask questions in class (guilty) or who aren’t afraid to ask “why” the precise number for pi is infinite.

But overtime, I have noticed that curiosity has a danger of waning with age. In adulthood, many of us have lost the biggest part of it.

Recently, I have felt restless and have a huge thirst to experience the many facets of life. I wonder if it’s because I’m fighting against the dreaded curiosity zap, ready to creep up on me at any time and take away all playfulness.

I know people who have lost their sense of curiosity and playfulness – settling into the predictable routine of day-to-day life. The most curious question is what’s for dinner tonight.

The other week, we had a team charity day where we helped revamp and replenish an East London playground. It was an awesome day and one where we were doing good for society. I distinctly remember, as we were pulling out some weeds in the garden area, my colleague observing the playground and saying “it’s like being back at school” again.

An hour later 4 of us were seeing how high we could go on the swings.

I cannot remember the last time I went on a swing. In the air, I wondered how the momentum of our weight could propel an initially static object into moving that much. I felt playful, free and curious all at the same time.

But adulthood robs us of this – our day to day becomes peppered by admin, bills and who is meant to take the bins out next.

Imagine if we all cultivated a bit more curiosity in ourselves – how much more colourful our lives might feel to us? How less we might complain about the weather, or why Rob from next door has parked in the wrong place.

Don’t get me wrong, domesticity is wonderful in many ways, but it can also remove us of a sense of adventure.

Ways to counteract this might be to do something each day that scares you.

It might be to go and visit that new city you’ve never gone to before.

It might be to ask your friend to talk about a part of their life you have never really known about.

It might be to experiment with your taste in music, food, pleasure.

It might be to book a solo trip abroad and explore it all on your own.

In the sunscreen song by Baz Luhrmann – go listen if you haven’t already – he says Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

I loved this line because it shows us that it can actually be a good thing if we don’t have it all figured out too early. There’s a risk that if you do, then you will drop the ball of curiosity in place of security and routine.

Being curious and interested is something we all have in childhood. But sadly, we lose it overtime. The good news is I strongly believe we can actively keep it, if we try hard to cultivate and nurture that side to us.

Stay interested.

Explore - in all senses of the word.

Ask questions.

Be bold.  

Do whatever you can to keep your inherent curiosity alive!

How do you stay curious? Message me here - I would love to know.

Further reading:

A Curious Mind Audiobook by Brain Grazer and Charles Fishman, narrated by Norbert Leo Butz. Available on Audible

Why? What Makes us Curious; Livio, Mario; Simon & Schuster; 2017

How To Keep Growing Young? Warens, Gidget; Self-published; 2021

In which I start to reassess my priorities

2022 has, so far, been a year of reflection and facing into what I truly want.

This has led to some big changes in my life – which I will explain in a later post.

But for now, I wanted to share with you what has helped me face into uncomfortable situations and set goals that truly align to my purpose.

Despite living in a modern world, I still think there is a huge amount of pressure to follow a pre-ordained script at the earliest stage possible. This may look something like getting a good job, buying a house, marrying, having children and retiring.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this if that is what you truly want and is done at a time in your life when you truly want it.

Some people are in this situation and are very content, which is amazing.

But there are also a handful of people who have done this (or are on this very path) and feel like they are climbing up the wrong mountain because it isn’t honouring their values.

Both women and men are subject to expectations, but this can also create a tremendous amount of pressure and foster a sense of inadequacy, worthlessness, or guilt.

So, we do what we think we should even if it’s not right for us (note – look up herd behaviour and it will explain exactly why all your friends start tying the knot at a similar time (1)).

The world renown philosopher Alain De Botton homes in on this very subject in the short video by The School of Life, titled “The High Price we Pay for our Fear of Loneliness” (2), explaining why so many of us might end up in mediocre relationships, because we are so afraid of simply spending our Sunday nights alone.

The problem is when we end up in a situation (be that a job, a relationship, or a lifestyle) that isn’t aligned to our own sense of purpose, it can lead to unfulfillment and unsatisfaction with our lives.

And I have seen it myself. Some quotes I have heard first hand:

“It must be nice to have no commitments – I wish I was in that situation”

“I feel trapped and don’t see a way out”

“I wish I was in your shoes – I know what the next 15 years of my life looks like”

Is it any wonder why so many people end up having a midlife crisis?

Don’t get me wrong - your purpose and priorities can (and probably will) change. That is amazing and why life is so rich. Because we shift, adapt and grow. Your priorities at 25 may be very different to at 35. And that is great.

But in the 1950’s things were very much set out of us – there is a whole host of research and literature on how society across the world would treat you if you weren’t hunkered down by 25 (3).

We now – at least in Western society – have choice. Freedom. Opportunity. There is no set path for us anymore. Isn’t that amazing?

To rip up the rule book and live a life on our own terms. Get married at 23 or 43. Or don’t. Stay in the same job for 3 years or 13. Who cares? And if you worry that other people might judge you for your priorities and how you live your life, remember that’s on them, not on you.

I think women have a harder time with going against the grain and doing something different. It’s well known we are more risk averse than men, and more likely to be prone to comparison.

Only 3 years ago I wrote a similar article where I asked if I was “not woman enough” for not placing a high priority on the things young girls are meant to dream of. (Can we PLEASE celebrate a woman starting her own business to the same degree as getting engaged?!)

I know it might be easy for me to say all of this and some people will be thinking “well it’s alright for you, but it’s not that easy when you have X and Y to change”. I sympathise with this and admit that I probably cannot fully relate to some situations out there. But I also do think that you are the master of your own life, and that change can be created if you truly channel it.

So, how can you decide if you are following our own priorities and values?

Start by asking yourself these three questions.

1) If I was in the same relationship, home and job that I am currently in 5 years time, how would I feel? What emotions does this create?

2) When I think about my values, what words spring to mind? (Adventure, Stability, Family, Money, Career etc)

3) Do I ever feel like I am missing out on something? If so, is there a way to change this? Why? Why not?

Get a piece of paper and try this. I find it can reveal some big (and often scary) things we need to face into…

I’m personally writing this with some big changes on the horizon and I couldn’t be more excited.

They won’t be the so called “traditional” choices, but they are choices that truly, deep down, are the ones right for me at this time in my life. My priorities have changed. And I will be honouring these.

Reassess your priorities and ask yourself: are they really ones I want, or are they ones that have been given to me?

References and further reading

1) Behavioural Economics and Herd Behaviour

2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYncNbM9HMs&t=6s&ab_channel=TheSchoolofLife

3) The Unexpected Joy of Being Single; Catherine Gray; Aster; 2018; pp 60-62

Igniting Personal Purpose, McKinsey Report, 2020

Finding Your Power to Be Happy: Seven Practices to Bring Unconditional Happiness into Your Life; Hardesty, D.E; 2015

Surround yourself with people who make you feel good

This week I feel very lucky to have two incredible women in my life.

Lucy* is a colleague of mine, in her 50s. Despite the fact we are at totally different life stages, she is one of the most wonderful humans I have ever met. She is a ray of sunshine – someone I can talk to about anything. Working with her doesn’t feel like work. When I have gone through a tough time in my personal life, she has been there for me, offering the soundest advice I could ask for.

Sarah* is a friend of mine, 27. She is my oldest and dearest friend, having met her at university. Not only is she incredibly authentic, kind, and down to earth, she is totally hilarious. With her, I know I can say almost anything without judgement. The number of times I have rung her, and she has picked up no matter what the day, is too many to count. She is wise beyond her years and we have shared many a memory together.

So why do I mention these two women?

Last week was the week of International Women’s Day (8th March) and it made me reflect on some of the incredibly powerful, strong and kind women in my life.

It also made me think about the importance of surrounding yourself with people who are not only good for you, but who make you feel good too.

Lucy and Sarah are two of those women. I feel very lucky to know them both.

Much like the news and social media content you consume, who you surround yourself with is something we should be careful to observe.

• How do you feel after spending time with someone? Do you feel energised, happy and supported? Or do you feel drained?

• Do you feel like you can be your complete self with that person? Or do you feel you need to wear some form of mask?

• Can you share your weaknesses and vulnerabilities with this person? Or must everything you say put you in the best light, as if to somehow ‘prove’ yourself?

These are big questions to ask, but important ones.

Many of us will spend time with people who don’t necessarily have our best interests at heart. This is a fact of life and sometimes unavoidable.

But when it comes to choosing your friends and the people who you spend most of your time with, we must be picky.

Most of us will face many knock backs in life. Having strong and supportive people in your inner circle is one of the best mitigations you can have in place for these times.

You might wonder how you find such people. Or you may wonder if you have them in your life already. The best litmus test I have for this is simple. After spending time with that person, observe how you feel. Check in with yourself and ask whether your day could have been better (or no different) had you not met that person. The answer will tell you a lot.

So, in the wake of International Women’s Day, I wanted to pay tribute to the women in my life who make me feel good. Who have my back – just as I have theirs.

At a work event last week, guest speaker and British comedian Shappi Khorsandi described the importance of women supporting women and having each other’s backs. Cheering each other on, not tearing each other down. I couldn’t agree more. We all need more Lucy’s and Sarah’s in our life. And we could all be more like them too.  

*Names have been changed to prevent embarrassing them!

Dealing with uncertainty and how to get better at it

As I get older, I realise that trying to plan our lives with any degree of certainty is futile.

“What’s your 10-year plan?” is – if you ask me – a question filled with naivety. Because it fails to consider that who we are now and who we are in ten years is likely to be different. Even in five years. Many of us can barely plan for the next year, let alone ten years. Humans are complex individuals that change, adapt, and grow in terms of personality. As do our priorities. Asking someone to project forward to ten years with any level of certainty is, if you ask me, a little presumptuous. 

That’s not to say we can’t have goals, aspirations and a general direction of where we are headed. A broad enough idea of what we would like our lives to look in 10 years, but with a simultaneously wise acknowledgement that this may change. Due to circumstances or due to us changing as a person.

The truth is, a lot of things in life are filled with uncertainty.

Let’s look at some examples:

1. You cannot be certain you will get that dream job.

2. You cannot be certain that your relationship will last.

3. You cannot be certain that you will buy a house like the one you want.  

4. You cannot be certain that you will stay in good health.

5. You cannot be certain that your friendships will still be there.

Life is filled with uncertainty. Trying to plan all the elements puts a whole lot of pressure on yourself. What if the plan goes off course? What if something that serves you well now, no longer serves you in the future?

This can seem a little daunting and could easily be the source of anxiety. Believe me, I know.  Having a set plan seems reassuring – and the clearer it is, the better.

But ironically letting go of this “control” (I use quotations as it is a false sense of control) and accepting that life is filled with uncertainty is incredibly liberating. It makes you realise what you have now and helps you keep an open mind for all the possibilities of the future.

In short, it comes back to that age old saying about enjoying the journey, not just focusing on the destination.

In a way, it makes life that little bit more magical.

But if you’re anything like me, dealing with uncertainty isn’t always easy. Far from it.

Here are four ways you can get better at it.

Trust that what is right for you will find you. Forcing things to turn out the way you want isn’t always the best approach. I have had rejections and knock-backs in my life that at the time left me feeling incredibly broken. But hindsight is a beautiful thing and I now see they were not right for me.

Write down what you are grateful for now. It’s been proven that gratitude is a powerful ingredient when it comes to improving our overall happiness. Whether it’s having tea with your mum or the opportunity to curl up on the sofa with your dog, keep a gratitude list of what you have now. When life is uncertain, remember the small things that bring you joy.

Know that you are stronger than you think. Humans have a (less than) wonderful ability at always thinking the worse. When I asked the exec of a billon dollar business her career advice, one phrase she said really stood out. It was to “calibrate don’t catastrophise” when faced with challenges. This has stuck with me because it’s oh so easy to blow something out of proportion and think we won’t cope (both inside and outside of work). But we are all much stronger than we think we are. Remember the last time you went through difficulty. You got through it once - you will be able to again.

Remember how bad you wanted what you have now. It’s easy to achieve something we really wanted and then end up immediately striving for the next thing. Bring yourself back to that initial desire and feel proud of how far you’ve come and what you’ve already achieved. Trust that this will keep being the case going forwards.

Mastering the ability to deal with uncertainty and not control situations that can’t be controlled is a powerful tool.

Do your best to keep your relationship. Do your best to make your career work. But also understand that life is full of uncertainties and unpredictability. And that’s okay. In fact, it can make it all that bit more exciting. Plan, but don’t plan too hard.

What will be, will be. Life is full of twists and turns. Just know you have the strength to face into them.

In The Name Of Friendship

For me, December is always a month of reflection. Marking the end of the year – much like the final chapter at the end of a book – it calls for contemplation of the months (and chapters) of the year.

This year, I am particularly reflective of the importance of friendship.

What is friendship?

The Cambridge English Dictionary defines a friend as “a person who you know well and who you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family”.

For me, this definition falls short of what a friend really is – at least at a deeper, more emotional level. It is someone who you can be yourself with. It is someone who doesn’t judge. It is someone who you can cry with over a difficult situation one day and laugh over a memory the next. A friend is there through both sunshine and storm.

And we all need friends.

While relationships might come and go, friends can last a lifetime. While jobs and homes might change, friends offer a much-needed continuity in our lives.

It is the golden thread woven through the fabric of our messy lives.

But what I have learnt is that they require nurturing. Friendship is not something that remains without effort. It needs feeding. Each friendship requires its own attention, space and time. A focus on quality over quantity.

I’ll admit it – sometimes this can be hard to do. Busy lives, never ending check-lists and simply having “a lot on” poses a threat to our friendships. Add to that relationships and family and the time left becomes even smaller. But fundamentally, this is not something we can afford to neglect. Personally, I am determined to do better next year. Because this year my friends have been there for me in more ways than I could imagine.

I also think friendship is important at work. I know some people reading this will think “but colleagues are colleagues” and want to firmly draw a line. I would disagree. Two of my best friends I have met at work – one has, in fact, been my friend for over 4 years now, coming to birthday celebrations and new year’s parties over the years. Another friend held a thanksgiving style dinner in the name of friendship (neatly coined “friendsgiving”). I couldn’t think of a better celebration to have.

I have formed some of the best friendships at work. There are the people who have acted as both mentors and friends, offering me an ear for life, as well as an ear for careers. There are those who I have formed a bond with over challenging projects, offering each other much needed support when we needed it most.

In fact, I think having a culture based on supportive friendship can be really powerful. Suddenly, you see those around you as humans. You want them to succeed as much as you do yourself – and what high performing culture isn’t founded on such a “win-win” culture? Those who refuse to participate risk forgoing some of the strongest relationships we need for a successful career or embodying the type of authentic leadership that goes on to inspire teams.

Closing thoughts

Friendships, in all respects, are critical in our lives. Next year I will be trying to nurture mine more.

Even a small message can go a long way. An impromptu phone-call or a photo memory shared over WhatsApp. What’s more, is that we can all become better friends – listening more, empathising and understanding first and foremost, vs always giving our two cents and jumping into solutioning (something I am learning to be better at).

There’s no denying that friendships require work. But like with many things in life, with effort, comes the reward.

You never know when they might be there for you – and you for them.

Communication: why we all need to get better at it

World Suicide Day was on the 10th September this year. One day doesn’t quite do the subject justice. The stats are scary, with one death by suicide happening every 40 seconds in the world (1).

Men are three times more likely to die from suicide than women (2). Men (and I am conscious this is a generalisation here) find it harder to express their feelings or ask for help. These two pieces of insight have sad link. As the mental health society puts it, “Men are often expected to be the breadwinners and to be strong, dominant and in control. While these aren’t inherently bad things, they can make it harder for men to reach out for help and open up (3).”

It’s the latter half of that sentence – the point about reaching out for help and opening up – that I want to focus on. When I have struggled – really struggled – it has been a phone call that helped. There is wisdom in the old age saying that “a problem shared is a problem halved”. Because when you reach out for help you are quite literally putting your problem, your sadness, your fears out into the world. And you know what happens when you do that? It gains perspective. It shrinks. It loses its power.

We all need to get better at communicating – especially the men out there. The first point being that it can literally save lives, or at the very least, prevent us going into a downward spiral.

Not only that, but effective communication is also key for healthy relationships. As Jordan Peterson puts it (4), the less you communicate (even about the tiniest things that irritate you) the more likely you are to build a festering resentment, unease and avoidance in the relationship that will grow and grow until it’s a monster that can no longer be killed. And thereafter follows divorce, messy break-ups and the like – that could have been avoided had one communicated upfront in the fist instance (even if the matter seemed somewhat small at the time).

Then of course there are the more practical elements of strong communication – it’s undoubtedly a skill required in the workplace, with many employers finding it to be one of the most effective soft skills we can learn. Strong communication leads to better meetings, presentations and day-to-day interactions with your colleagues. It boosts teamwork and leads to better collaboration. And it applies to practically every industry (5).

The impact that strong communication has is clear. From mental health, to relationships, to careers, strong communication is something that cannot be understated. The national suicide rate went up during lockdown and I cannot help but wonder how much of this was because individuals felt isolated and much further away from their friends, family or loved ones – the ones they would usually talk to if having a bad day.

Perhaps we should start with acknowledging our feelings and communicating them in a specific and safe way, with those we trust. Or perhaps it’s about asking someone how they are - and then asking again “no really, how are you?”. Or perhaps it’s about confronting that difficult situation that seems to be pushing you and your partner away from each other.

Whatever it is, we all need to get better at communicating. Not just about our successes and what’s going well in our life, but also about our weaknesses and what could be going better.

That’s something I’m still learning. And I hope you are too.

References and further reading

(1) https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/

(2) https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/m/men-and-mental-health

(3) Ibid

(4) 12 Rules for Life: an antidote to chaos; Peterson, Jordan; Penguin; 2018

(5) The Importance of Communication in the Workplace; A. Choren, in IEEE Potentials, vol. 34, no. 3, pp. 10-11, May-June 2015

The 7 Effective Communication Skills: How to be a better communicator now; Angelo, Gabriel; Smashwords Edition; 2014

https://save.org/who-we-are/

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication

The importance of reflecting before responding

The other day I was triggered by what someone said to me. Usually, I would react immediately. Thanks to our System 1 self, which is intuitive, reactionary, emotional and impulsive, we as humans often end up responding in a way that’s very much in the moment. However, this time round I was aware of how I was feeling. I noticed the shift in my internal state. And because I recognised it – I was able to act accordingly. As such, I didn’t respond straight away. I went to the gym, reflected and responded the next day, when I had the time to gather my thoughts – and my emotions.

In this way, I tapped into my System 2 self, which is much more measured, rational and considered in how it makes decisions or responds to things. If you haven’t read the book Thinking Fast and Slow (1) which sets out this psychological phenomenon in much more detail, I highly recommend.

Perhaps it’s a sign of getting older but pausing before responding can be powerful for multiple reasons. Firstly, it allows you to sit on the topic/issue/problem/challenge at hand. To ruminate and reflect on it from all angles, not just the immediate emotional angle that comes to you first. Secondly, it paradoxically allows you to hold the cards. You are the one to respond – but only when you are ready, when you know what to say and how to say it. Thirdly, it takes the pressure off yourself in the moment and gives you the space and time to take a step back.

So how can we get better at reflecting before responding?

1) Take a breath. Fight the urge to respond straight away. If you feel yourself in a negative emotional state that is rooted in the moment, try taking at least 45 minutes (preferably a few hours or even days) before responding. During this time, go a walk, make a cup of tea or turn your attention elsewhere, before revisiting the situation.

2) Consider all perspectives. We often come at situations from our own perspective. But as the saying goes, try walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. Conflict often arises when two people are unable to empathise or see each other’s perspective. When emotions run high. Try hard to understand all perspectives involved and where the other person might be coming from, before responding.

3) Weigh up the significance of the matter. Assess the situation against its importance, urgency and significance. Stephen Covey talks about this in his book (2), making clear that we often overlook the significance of something and are instead more fixated on its importance and urgency. Significance asks us to reflect on if something will matter in the longer term. What are the implications? Will you still be thinking about this in a year? How about five? This will determine how much of your energy it’s worth using.

Closing thoughts

I truly think the world would be a better (and kinder) place if we all reflected before responding or reacting. Especially when something has made us feel uncomfortable and/or emotionally triggered. Of course, not every situation lends itself to this. Sometimes you simply don’t have the time to reflect and must respond immediately – think a work situation that calls for an answer in the moment. But where possible, we should all seek to practice this technique as much as we can, both at work and in our personal lives.

Reflect before responding – it’s one lesson we can all learn from.

References and further reading:

1) Thinking Fast and Slow; Kahneman, Daniel; Penguin; 2012

2) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People; Covey, Stephen; Simon & Schuster; 1999

I Don’t Agree - Why We Can't Stop Fighting - and how to Get Great Stuff Done Despite Our Differences; Brown, Michael; Harriman House Publishing; 2020

https://ocw.mit.edu/courses/comparative-media-studies-writing/21w-732-science-writing-and-new-media-fall-2010/readings/MIT21W_732F10_listening.pdf

5 ways to get inspired now

Sometimes, we can feel a little less than inspired. We feel “stuck in a rut” or like things are “the same old”. Often, we assume that making a dramatic change in our life will be the best answer to this. Perhaps moving house or changing jobs.

These things can indeed set us on a new path and create a new sense of vigour. But inspiration – and feeling inspired – is something that can also be built through proactive techniques that don’t always require dramatic changes.

In this article, I reflect on 5 approaches I take to increase my inspiration levels. What are yours?

1. Connect with people you admire and/or who energise you

We are the average of the five people we spend most time around. Therefore, it’s critical to ensure that your close circle includes people who you admire or who energise you in some way. They should be springs, not drains – i.e., they should lift you up, rather than leaving you feeling zapped. Beyond this close circle, a 30 minute conversation with someone who you look up can be a great way to feeling more inspired. Hearing about someone else’s life, goals and journey can inject new energy into your own and provoke new ways of thinking.

2. Read a piece of thought-leadership

Reading is another fantastic technique I use to feel more inspired. If you have a busy life, it might feel too much of an ask to churn through the next best book, so why not instead choose a piece of thought-leadership the next time you want to feel inspired? I love to use GetAbstract, which condenses the main takeaways from best-selling books into a 2–3-page PDF that you can read with a coffee in just 15 minutes. The platform allows you to set an alert with the topics of interest you think will inspire you most – e.g., leadership, entrepreneurism, women in business.

3. Learn and/or do something different  

Sometimes, we may feel our inspiration levels drop because we have become so used to our area of work and day job. To inject new inspiration into your life, try learning about something totally different, or trying about something new. A friend of mine is a consultant but loves watching quantum physics videos before bed. Another friend has a PT business on the side. I have my website and HelpMePresent. When you turn to something different, you remember that there are realms and realms of interesting things to do and learn in life.

4. Follow the right social media accounts

In my article Social media: for good or for bad? I discuss how social media is like mental nutrition. “We watch our diet and what we consume physically. But do we pay the same attention to what we consume mentally?" Our feeds have the potential to lift our moods, but they also have the potential to drain our energy. What we read and view on a day-to-day basis will add up overtime. With this in mind, it’s worth finding social media accounts that inspire you – it could be a feed of motivational quotes, or it might be a person who has beaten the odds to do something amazing. What inspires you will be individual to you, so choose your social media accounts wisely. 

5. Go for a walk-in nature, preferably choosing a new route

This last technique I take to feel inspired is perhaps more unusual. However, getting into nature (and even better, choosing a new route when doing so) can unblock a lot of "mental matter", freeing up the much needed headspace we need to start thinking creatively and laterally. It’s often on such walks where a new thought or idea will come to me. Moving away from our desks and getting active has a physiological impact that has the potential to leave us feeling more energised and inspired afterwards.

Closing thoughts

These are the five steps I take to feeling inspired whenever I need a boost.

I would love to hear what you do to feel more inspired. Do you use any of these approaches already? Or do you do something totally different? Let me know!

Socialising is back. But not as we know it. Let’s talk about the readjustment period

The end of lockdown is finally near. And this time, we hope it’ll be the last time. The 19th of July signals a new period of freedom and socialising that is much closer to that which we once knew. Yet after a year that has placed limits on how, when and where we socialise, the readjustment period may take longer for some people.

I am one of these people. The first time I went to the office I ended up socialising with over 7 people throughout the day (coffees, lunch and after work drinks). It was the first time I had been in contact with that many people for a long time. As someone who lives alone, this contrast was heightened even further. I am not afraid to say that when I got home that day, I felt drained, tired and overwhelmed. It was clear I needed to take this reconnection period slower than I initially thought.

Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love socialising. But as humans, we are creatures of habit, and many of us have learnt to make do in our own happy spaces over the past year. We hunkered down with tea, watched movies and opted into zoom socials from the comfort of our beds. It became the “new normal”.

For some, the thought of going back to the busy social lives we once led is a source of apprehension.

In writing this, I thought I would put forward 3 ways that might help you if you have also felt a little overwhelmed by all the brunches, BBQs and boozy dinners that are suddenly finding their way into your diary.

1. Go at your own pace

Everyone is different. Some people will be raring to go back to big events and being surrounded by lots of people from day one. Other people will feel apprehensive and will prefer to build up overtime. The secret is to not compare yourself to those around you (tip: a great lesson in all aspects of life) and instead focus on the pace that works best for YOU. In my own experience, I started at a very slow pace and needed time to build up. This meant pushing back social events and deliberately spreading them out in my calendar.

2. Be selective  

As well as choosing the pace you go at, it’s also worth choosing what social events you attend. That close friend you long to see for dinner again? Absolutely. That friend of a friend of a friend who is hosting a gathering? Maybe not. By being selective, you can keep your social batteries charged with the occasions that leave you feeling energised, rather than drained. I know if I have a social lunch planned, I will ensure I don’t also have something full on that evening. This ensures I can create the optimum balance of socialising/alone time that works for me.

3. Communicate

Be up front and open about your limitations. If you need to take the readjustment period at a slower pace, then don’t be afraid to be authentic and communicate this to those around you. Good friends will understand and acknowledge your boundaries. Perhaps you can suggest a walk in the park or a time that you feel more ready to meet? I remember when things first started opening up, I communicated this to a friend who was super understanding. Being transparent about how you are feeling will help others empathise.

Closing thoughts

Getting back to the world as we know is exciting. To hug, to laugh again, to socialise and connect with those we haven’t seen for far too long. But let’s also not forget the fact that for some people, it is another period of change (just like going into lockdown was) and that this adjustment can take time. For the introverts reading this, you might feel the apprehension even more strongly. But know you are not alone. Let’s all enjoy the opportunity to connect again with humans in a way that works best for us.

Social media: for good or for bad?

Last month, Instagram rolled out a new feature which enables users to “hide” the number of likes they see on posts, including their own (1). It is another step forward in the battle to make social media consumption an enjoyable activity, while limiting the potential damaging impact it can have on mental health.

The other day I posted a poll on one social media platform asking whether people wanted to see a post on the subject of “Social media: for good or for bad”. The response was overwhelmingly in favour of yes. I wasn’t surprised. The Netflix hit The Social Dilemma (2) made headlines, proving how pressing and relevant the subject is for our times.

When writing this article, I am not insensitive to the potential irony of it coming from me. Chances are, if you are reading this now, it is because you saw me post on social media. And for that platform, I couldn’t be more grateful. I use social media a lot – and it has bought about many positive interactions that have contributed to my career and overall personal brand.  

But as well as all the benefits to social media, there are also a number of downfalls that, without enough caution, all of us can fall prey to. In this article, I explore “the good” and “the bad” to social media, as well as some practical tips you can take to ensure your time on social media is healthy, conscious and sustainable.

The good…

It allows you to connect with people you wouldn’t usually be able to.

There’s no doubt social media has allowed like-minded individuals to connect. Through these platforms, you can discover profiles and groups that may be of interest to you, even with people based on the other side of the world. The plethora of interactions borne out of social media opens a window for opportunities, positive engagements and even friendships. Currently, there are an estimated 3.78 billion people on social media, equating to about 48% of the population (3). Think of all the interesting people you have the potential to meet from this tool.

It gives you a voice and a platform to share what matters to you.

Social media allows you to push out content that matters to you. In some ways, it has democratised power, allowing everyone to have a voice, opinion, and perspective. As marketer Jenny Darroch writes in her publication on the subject (4), “Social media gives a voice to people. It enables us to communicate freely with each other and voice our opinion back to organizations…blogs have become a popular vehicle for people to exercise freedom of speech.” In this way, social media and what it is used for can be a force for good, allowing individuals to speak about what matters to them. It has the power to elevate who you are, what you stand for and how you want to be perceived. 

It can be a source of entertainment, information and engaging material.

Let’s face it, it can also be a pretty pleasurable pastime. Whether you’re looking for motivational content and inspiring quotes, or simply some good old-fashioned comedy – chances are you will find it on social media. Instagram will show you everything from beautiful landscape images, to health and fitness motivation, to fashion and beauty. LinkedIn can provide ideas and inspiration from those in your network, as well as links to relevant business articles related to your work. The content that social media feeds you can leave you inspired and positive.

The bad…

It fuels the “comparison spiral”.

One of the most dangerous impacts of social media is its potential to fuel unhealthy comparison. Social media allows you to have visibility of a whole array of people who may be more successful than you (whatever that means) more handsome/pretty than you (if such a thing can be measured) or happier than you (at least in appearance). Just when you think you’re doing pretty well – BAM, something on your feed will hit you in the face and make you feel inadequate.

The danger is when we start comparing ourselves. Humans will do this by nature – but social media has accelerated its impact. As writer Srinivas Rao puts it, “through social media we have a continual window into the lives of friends, pseudo-friends, and celebrities. And what we see is not some unvarnished peek into their world but a highly idealized image that they present (5).” The danger is that while social media may take us away from reality and act as a form of escapism, it is this same detraction from reality that equally has the potential to make us feel inadequate or unhappy with our own lives.

It can create anxiety, pressure and unhappiness when posting.

The Social Dilemma showed a scene when a 10-year-old girl posts a picture on Instagram and receives hardly any likes. She deletes the post, visibly upset. The pressure and anxiety that some face when posting on social media paradoxically detracts from the very joy of posting in the first place, which is “toxic to our creativity and wellbeing” (6). The new feature by Instagram to remove likes is one way they are trying to remove this pressure for external validation.

But it doesn’t stop there. The introduction of dangerous filters on many platforms has allowed many users to change their appearance to fit an apparent “ideal” of beauty. The result? Young people who no longer are happy with how they look and feel a pressure to appear a certain way. A Women’s Health study looks into the damaging impact it can have on self-confidence, citing one reader who states that “these filters move us away from the beauty of authenticity and celebrating our unique selves”, while Dr. Amadi says “It seems harmless at first, but a slight edit here and a slight edit there can spiral into obsessive-compulsive tendencies around body image (7).”

It can become a drain on our energy overtime

We watch our diet and what we consume physically. But do we pay the same attention to what we consume mentally? Our feeds have the potential to lift our moods (see above) but they also have the potential to drain our energy. Accounts or posts that no longer resonate with you, make you feel inadequate or that simply frustrate you may not be good for your “mental” nutrition. What we read and view on a day-to-day basis will add up overtime. Add to this the constant pressure to be “constantly on” and you may clock up far too many hours than you may like. The result? A toxic mix that may drain your energy in the longer term.

Five practical tips to start taking now

We’ve looked at the good and the bad to social media. But what can we do today to help us have a healthier relationship?

Clean up your feed. Are you happy with the accounts or profiles you are connected with? Do you feel uplifted / inspired/ happy by what you are seeing? Do the social media equivalent of a spring clean and remove anything that doesn’t serve you in a positive manner, or that you may have outgrown.

Set a timer. Be disciplined and set a timer to prevent the dreaded “mindless scroll” – scrolling for hours with little purpose or action at hand. Setting a timer will encourage you to use social media more consciously, appropriately and (most importantly) for a reason, since you will know you have limited time to spend on there. Keeping your use down to just 30 minutes a day can lead to better mental health outcomes, according to research by the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology (8).

Delete or deactivate social media platforms you hardly use. For me, this was Facebook. I had almost 2000 “friends” but probably only interacted with less than 10 of them (who I also spoke to via text, not Facebook). When I started seeing pictures of people I knew I wouldn’t recognise if they walked past me on the street, I realised the platform wasn’t serving me anymore and was just a time suck. The next day I deactivated it.

Make use of the features designed to create a more positive experience. Examples include the “hide story from” or “close friends” feature on Instagram, which allows you to tailor who can view you story. On LinkedIn, it may be the “mute this post” or the “I don’t want to see this” features. Such features are intended to give you more control over your social media and ultimately make it a more enjoyable experience.

Focus on defining your purpose or incentive for using social media. This can be done by answering this simple question “Why do I have social media?” If you are able to easily define this (and are happy with the answer you come up with), make sure to check-in with yourself and ensure that most of your time spent is serving this purpose. 

References and further reading

1) https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-57254488

2) The Social Dilemma, Netflix Documentary, 2020

3) Statista, 2020 https://www.statista.com/statistics/278414/number-of-worldwide-social-network-users/

4) Darroch J. (2010) Social Media: Giving a Voice Back to the People. In: Marketing Through Turbulent Times. Palgrave Macmillan, London. https://doi.org/10.1057/9780230251182_4

5) https://medium.com/the-mission/how-our-use-of-social-media-fuels-envy-comparison-anxiety-and-depression-538e4c87b963

6) Ibid

7) https://www.womenshealthmag.com/beauty/a33264141/face-filters-mental-health-effect/

8) https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/how-much-time-on-social-media_n_5be9c148e4b0783e0a1a8281

Logged In and Stressed Out: How Social Media is Affecting Your Mental Health and What You Can Do About It; Durlofsky, Paula; Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 2020

101 Ways to Use Social Media to Do Good; Leary, Frances; Balboa Press, 2018.

Lessons to my younger self

I’ve been feeling reflective lately. For the first time in a while, I am also feeling surprisingly accepted and appreciative. I think I’ve swallowed a big dose of patience and started to feel more grateful for where I am now (as opposed to feeling a constant sense of dissatisfaction that fellow type A perfectionists will know too well). Actually, I’m doing OK.

It made me think back to my journey so far and my younger self. A self I wish so badly I had been kinder to at times (even if it shaped me into who I am today). I currently mentor a 19-year-old who, despite being from a disadvantaged background, is showing signs of maturity beyond her years. She was telling me how she feels pressured by those around her to conform to a certain occupation, but feels able to resist this and follow a path that feels right for her. I am not sure how many teenagers would have the bravery to do such a thing, especially given the prevalence today of peer pressure, social media and internet echo chambers.

Both my reflections and this mentoring conversation made me want to write piece about what I would tell my younger self now.

So, I did.

I hope you find this insightful. And if you relate to anything at all, please do pass it onto your children and/or your younger family members. And if you are young yourself and reading this now, well, read it once. Then read it again. I sincerely hope it will help you.

Lesson 1: Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. The key is to remain true to who you are

One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is that you cannot please everyone. Not everyone will like you. Trying to please everyone you meet is an impossible task. You can strive to be good, kind and honest. But that won’t be enough. Maybe you’re too loud for some people, or too quiet for some people. Maybe you’re too quirky for some people, or too geeky for some people. Chances are you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. And guess what? That it is okay. Because there is nothing worse than feeling like you have to change your authentic self. Better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you are not. Don’t sweat about being liked by everyone. Sweat about being true to yourself and the rest will follow.

Lesson 2: Success takes time. Enjoy the ride while you can

Okay this is a big one. And being honest one I am still trying to learn! But what I would tell my younger self is that success is not an instant thing. Nor a one time thing, based on any singular achievement (good grades, top university etc). Instead, it is the build up of incremental gains over a longer period of time that lead to success. Joe Wick’s story is one I love. Although he’s now built a fitness empire, he began his journey selling flyers outside tube stations in the pouring rain. If success isn’t instant, what does that mean? Well, it means you should enjoy the journey and the process that takes you there. Understand that it’s a long journey and – cliché might it sound – there is NO magic potion that will lead you to an overnight success. Enjoy the ride while you can.

Lesson 3: Hold onto the good people, not just the cool people 

When I was in school, there was clearly the “cool crowd” and everyone else. I found myself trying to be in this “cool” group. But in the process, I lost what I can now see were some very good people. Why I did this was simply to fit in. Psychology shows that humans are innately wired to strive for what they perceive to be the strongest social circle in the pecking order (it’s part of our survival instincts). But we don’t live in this caveman age anymore. Instead, it’s worth asking some of the following questions. Who is most likely to be there for me during tough times? Who wants the best for me (and not in a shallow, superficial way)? Who accepts me for who I am now and where I am going in future? Looking back, some of the most interesting and smart people in school were not always the most cool. I wish I had hung out with them more. Hold onto the good people in your life, not just the cool people.

Lesson 4: It’s okay to take a break. In fact, it’s critical

This is probably one of the biggest lessons I have learnt. What I would tell my younger self is that working 7 days a week is not sustainable nor healthy. And that Christmas Eve is a day to spend with family, not revising for an exam (yep, that was me). I’ve looked a lot into high performance cultures and never have I once read that working 24/7 is something to strive for. Now, I am a big believer in efficiency. It’s not about the number of hours worked, but the quality of those hours. Don’t get me wrong, hard work is essential if you want to achieve something. But you have to make it sustainable. And you have to fill your life with other things you enjoy. Remember to take a break. It’s critical.

Lesson 5: Being different is a strength. Embrace it!

There is an acute pressure to fit in when you are younger. There were many times I felt I did not. I felt different because I was happiest solving iconic bonding equations, or creating a new dance routine, not texting back a boy. But being different is something you have to embrace. If you stand out, use it to your strength. Think of all the opportunities your unique self could bring you. Don’t feel you have to conform to what everyone else is doing, Individuality is something to celebrate and we live in a society where we have the opportunity to do this. So, if you feel different in any way - embrace it.

These are my lessons learnt. I have no doubt that in a number of years, I’ll have a few more to tell myself now. As humans, we continually evolve, grow, learn and strive. And that is a magical thing in itself. It felt really cathartic writing this and if you got this far, thanks for reading.

What are your lessons learnt? Drop me a line - I would love to know.

The Humble Staycation - and why it’s here to stay

I have just finished the end of a weeklong Easter holiday. Nowhere special, since Covid-19 restrictions mean foreign travel is still limited. It was instead spent in my family home in Buckinghamshire. I am highly fortunate that I was surrounded by glorious British countryside, which presented me with a much-needed change of scenery. That said, it was very different to the way I would usually spend a week of annual leave (i.e., jetting somewhere hot and sunny).

Now, while I am very excited to return to holidays in new countries, with new cultures and new scenes, in the last year I have also discovered the magic in the humble staycation. And I’m not alone. The staycation looks set to remain popular for a while. According to one study*, 3 out of 5 consumers are already planning their next break this year, with 45% of respondents planning a summer staycation as well.

Here I reflect on the five reasons why I think the staycation is here to stay – at least to an extent.

1) Time with family

A staycation will often mean more time with family. It’s rare for me to go on a big family trip abroad with my parents and brother at this age. Busy routines and schedules mean it doesn’t always work. But a staycation? Much easier to organise. Much easier to arrange a trip back home and sync our schedules. Or book a cottage by the coast. For older grandparents who may not be able to travel anymore, this is the perfect way to spend more time with them too. In short, staycations are family friendly.

2) Time to reflect

A staycation often involves a slower pace to the holiday. Rather than cramming everything into your day, so you can tick off a check-list of tourist attractions, staycations are all about enjoying each moment in your natural habitat. The result? A bit more time to slow down, think and reflect. The ability to gain that headspace that our busier lives don’t always give us. In the recent staycation just gone, I was able to write a list of all the goals I had and rank them by desired outcome, level of enjoyment and priority. Now, had I been exploring the depths of some foreign land, I highly doubt I would be doing that. Staycations are your opportunity to stop and reflect.

3) Time to save

It’s a bit of a no-brainer that staycations save you a lot of money. If you spend it at home, it’s next to nothing. If you take out a campervan or carvan (sales of which are booming**), the costs will still be pretty low. The price of a cottage by the coast will set you back a little more, but you’ll still be saving money on flights and transport, comparative to a holiday somewhere exotic.

All this means more money in the bank. And let’s face it, who doesn’t like to save? What’s more, it will mean you have more cash the next time you do plan a blowout holiday abroad.

4)   Time to appreciate your own country

Staycations are the chance to appreciate what’s close to home. I have always taken the countryside for granted – until this year. Forced with nowhere to go, I was able to savour the green fields, hilly roads, and new-born lamb more than I usually would. I know of friends who travelled up to the Scottish Highlands when the restrictions were eased, something they would never have thought to do before the pandemic. Sometimes, we are under the impression that we have to go to the other side of the world in order to find beauty. In reality (and yes, this will sound cheesy) beauty is all around us. Staycations are your chance to revive the love for the very country you live in.

5) Time to be creative

Another aspect of staycations is the time they give you to be creative. Without the usual fanfare, attractions and expeditions, you are forced to entertain yourself more, especially in the evenings. Sure, Netflix does a good job at this, but it soon wears off. Instead think board games, experimental cooking, painting and maybe even a hand at journaling. It’s a period where we can finally get round to doing those hobbies we put off due to lack of time. A staycation is a creative opportunity in waiting. 

So what do I predict the future to be?

Much like the hybrid model of the new workplace (a mixture of home and office), I predict a hybrid model for holidays. One that consists of short staycations throughout the year and one or two centre-piece holidays abroad, probably in summer. Once sceptical, the past year has shown me that there are a number of perks to staycations. I’m officially converted.

What do you think? Let me know your thoughts, or send through your favourite staycation destination for a chance to be featured.

Sources and further reading:

* https://www.epinsights.co.uk/ep-online-articles/are-staycations-her-to-stay/

** According to Car Dealer Magazine and Semrush

52 Great British Weekends; Thorpe, Annabelle; Fox Chapel; 2012

Around The Coast in 80 Days; Naldrett, Peter; Bloomsbury; 2020

Know thyself, grow thyself, grow others

I remember speaking to an inspirational leader at my company a few years ago. He has achieved many successes in his life – both inside and outside the business world, including a successful period in sport. When I first met him, I only had 20 minutes with him, but there was one phrase he said which has stuck with me ever since. “Niluka, one way you can look at success is this. First, you need to know yourself, then you can grow yourself – and then, you can grow others”.

It struck a chord with me because in life we often become hung up on simply achieving more. The best grades at school. The best university. The best job. But how often do we think about the very process that comes with that success? It is very easy to be swept up into wanting to do more, achieve more and be more. It is much less easy to stop and ask whether these things are happening in the wider macro-context that makes you happy or is aligned to your own personal values.

Know thyself

And so, the first step is really understanding the self. Over the last 5 years I have been on a journey to understand the things that truly excite me in life. Variety. Innovation. Work I enjoy. Being around inspiring people. Adventure. Opportunity. I have also realised that simply following what others around you are doing may not be the best solution. It’s for this reason that I have my own website and coaching platform that help further enrich my overall career. We often take a few different turns in life, but these can help us learn in the process and navigate a more fulfilling path.

For many people, there is the pressure to tick off a pre-determined check-list of life (marriage, mortgage, kids to name a few). This is fine if that is want you want. But if you are also open to another path that is more authentic and meaningful to you, then go for that too. So much of what we do is because of the pressure of society, or those around us, rather than what we actually want. I’m a big believer in following your instincts in this regard. Only you know you. But you have to spend the time (often alone) getting to know you. Too many people are afraid of this, but I truly believe taking this time alone will help lead to increased happiness in the longer term. One way is to take a blank piece of paper and answer the following questions:

• What is it that gives me energy?

• What are my own personal values?

• What is it about the future that actually excites me? (Get specific – these can be goals such as starting your own business, having a family, moving to the countryside – whatever it might be, just make sure it is true to you).

Grow thyself

Growing yourself leads to improvement. Once you have at least some understanding of who you are and what you desire in life, you can then focus your efforts of growth in the right direction. As opposed to growing into something that isn’t true to who you are, which is a very real risk we all face. Your goals in life – true to your own purpose and values – will help you focus on the tangible steps and actions you need to take in order to achieve them. Remember, growth is something that must be proactively sought out and worked on.

Some questions to ask yourself are:

• When am I performing at my best?

• What do I want to be known for?

• How can I better myself each day, through one small action?

If you are interested in reading more about growth, I recently published an article which dives into this more deeply. In short, it’s not enough to just know ourselves and stop there. We can’t remain static in life. Much like a seed that has planted, it has to be nurtured. Similarly, we must grow, adapt and shape ourselves into something that is beautiful. Change is good in this regard.

Grow others

The final stage is to grow others. All good leaders should aim to grow others after they have grown themselves. There is no doubt that mentors, coaches and sponsors have an impact on the growth of those around them. Being able to give back is probably one of the most fulfilling things we can all do in our lives. I have a 2nd year undergraduate who I mentor each month. Our sessions have little impact on my career, but knowing that some of what I say might help guide and inspire another individual is really fulfilling. Last week, she informed that that after months of applications, she landed a placement with Unilever. I was genuinely pleased upon hearing this news.

As a leader, are you only focused on the results of a project, or are you also focused on the personal development and growth of those working on the project? The best leaders are those that demonstrate empathy and really care about the growth of those in their teams, as well as the results. It’s also these leaders that individuals want to perform better for – because they feel valued and believed in. As a leader, some questions you might ask yourself include:

• Do I understand this individual and what motivates them?

• How can I help them grow in the direction they want to go?

• How might I share my own experiences, in order to help guide, nurture and support them?

Closing thoughts

These final questions tie neatly back into my conversation with the inspiring leader I mentioned at the start. The 20 minutes I had with him was him helping me grow. He was sharing his experiences as way to guide me (and now, in some ways, I am writing this to help others too, even if in a small way).

The path to success is not a linear one. We are always still learning and have questions we don't yet know the answer to. Which is exciting, in many ways. What we can do is make a conscious effort to tap into the process as we navigate through this journey.

The three-pronged approach to know thyself, grow thyself and grow others, is a great place to start.

Further reading:

The Tools; Stutz, Phil, Michels, Barry; Penguin Random House; 2013

Ikigai: The Japanese secret to a long and happy life; Garcia Hector, Miralles, Francesc; Random House Publishing; 2017

Start with why: How great leaders inspire everyone to take action; Sinek, Simon; Penguin Books Limited; 2011

12 rules for life; Peterson, Jordan; Penguin; 2018

Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable: swimming and the secret to growth

I was recently speaking to my friend about what leads to growth. We had a bit of an intellectual back-and-forth, discussing various books, theories and ideas. After some time, we realised there was a common thread in what we were discussing. It was this: that growth is what happens when you seek challenge and are out of your comfort zone.  

Let’s take an analogy, turning our attention to swimming.

Swimmer A is a fantastic swimmer, swimming 30 laps in under 30 minutes.

Swimmer B is an average swimmer, swimming 5 laps in 30 minutes.

Swimmer A has always done 30 laps in 30 minutes. In fact, ever since she was a child. It is her weekly routine and she is pleased by how impressive this is and so keeps up this same routine. Swimmer B meanwhile, is far behind in how far she can swim. But she decides to increase her laps by one each week, eventually doing 10 laps, 20 laps, 30 laps and so on. Who has grown more in this example?

Swimmer B – because she challenged herself, whereas Swimmer A stuck to what she knew and what she was always able to achieve. Swimmer B was willing to put herself out of her comfort zone, in turn improving and excelling in growth. In many ways, it is this swimmer who has the most future potential, even if she was not born a good swimmer.  

What does this analogy tell us? What can we learn from it when it comes to growth?

1) Growth is not objectively comparable

Firstly, growth is not something that can be objectively compared. Even though swimmer B swam less than swimmer A to begin with, her level of improvement was greater. Growth is personal to the individual. Someone managing a team of 30 for the first time will grow more than a person who has done it many times before and can easily do it once again. If we turn to emotional matters, the same holds true. Someone who decides to love for the first time is growing far more than the person who closes themselves off due to fear of the unknown.

Growth is individual – and we are all unique. This makes growth difficult to directly and empirically compare from person to person. It also means that your levels of growth will alter throughout your life and depending on where you are. It is not something that remains constant - which brings us onto our second point.

2) Growth is something we must seek out

Swimmer B make a conscious effort to improve and to push herself each week. The funny thing about growth is how it is often something we must actively seek out. Be that starting a new job/role that is out of depth for us to start. Or signing up to that half-marathon, once and for all. Or deciding to invest the time and effort in learning a new language. None of these things are easy. But in order to grow, we must seek out the right opportunities to do so.

It was Swimmer B who challenged her body more – who built physical resilience by swimming one more lap each week. But she also built mental resilience in the process, achieving something challenging to her. Writer Jordan Peterson talks about the balance between chaos and order in the world. Too much order, too much comfort, too much cotton wool may leave us safe and protected but it also hinders growth. We should therefore know that challenge leads to growth. And if we grow, we also increase our levels of resilience (1).

However, it is important to note there is passive growth to be had in those moments in life which hit us unplanned. A breakup that leaves us dreadfully hurt, the need to suddenly change city, a death in the family. All of these are situations are hard – but through the pain comes growth afterwards and in the longer term (and wisdom too). As Helen Keller writes, “although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it” (2).

3) Growth leads to success in the longer term

In our analogy, it was Swimmer B who, in the process of improving her laps each week, will eventually be able to swim further than Swimmer A.

Top leaders have some of the highest levels of growth. Starting out, as we all did, as a youngster in this world, they have soared and grown through grit and determination and in doing so achieved longer term success. Many leaders will confess and say there have been times they felt an imposter, or that they were not good enough, or that they “never thought” they would ever have come “this far”. But it’s these same leaders who have experienced high levels of growth in their careers and ended up where they are now. And they took failure as part of that very process. Caroline Dweck, in her book Growth Mindset, looks at this attitude more closely through a range of examples. She explores how the defining factor to success is how individuals approached challenge in a way that was seen as an opportunity, as opposed to a threat and risk (3).

4)  We should strive to help others grow

Growth spans beyond the self. It has the capacity and potential to extend to others. If we were to add another angle in our swimming analogy, it would be this: how Swimmer B, after achieving huge improvements in her swimming distance, also encouraged those around her to continually excel and do better. Not in a manner of pressuring them but in a manner of inspiring them and showing them what’s possible. Likewise, leaders must seek to help those in their team grow. In a supportive way that guides and motivates them – but that also always them to stretch their potential in new ways. Growth is essential for both leaders and teams alike. As former CEO of Generl Electric Jack Welch put it, “Before you become a leader, success is all about growing yourself. After you become a leader, success is about growing others” (4).

Closing thoughts

When writing this, I never thought swimming could have much to do with growth, but the parallels are clear: strive to be challenged and you will improve, grow and build resilience over time. A principle that can be applied to both our personal lives and our careers. Continual self-improvement can always be found. What makes you grow?

References and further reading:

1) 12 Rules for Life: an antidote to chaos, Peterson, Jordan, Penguin; 2018

2) The Story of My Life, Keller, Helen; Signet Classic; 2002

3) Growth Mindset, Dweck, Caroline, Random House Publishing Group; 2006

4) Jack Welch Speaks: Wit and Wisdom, Lowe, Janet; Wiley; 2008

5) Atomic Habits: Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results, Clear James; Penguin Random House; 2018

Previous Posts

• Lockdown 3.0: Our final opportunity in disguise?

• What a year: 2020 lessons learned

• Protecting your mind, body, and soul. A busy person’s guide to looking after yourself

• Fun, Free, and Fluid: The Dawn of a New Age?

• The Ambivert Complex

• The Simple Things

• The Boredom Benefit

• 5 things to feel happy about right now

• Not so invincible: Coronavirus and the reminder we are only human, after all

• Know thyself: why we all need to spend more time alone

• Choice Autonomy: A Reflection

• Full acceptance, no expectations: navigating this thing called life

• Balancing balance: an undefined art

• Change: a force to embrace

• Emotional Intelligence: how to better understand people

• Bursting the (social) bubble: diversifying thought through diversifying people

• I’m fine thanks. The biggest lie there is and why it pays to be kind

• Setting boundaries, saying no, and maintaining your sovereignty

• What a time to be free

• Risking taking more risks: a lesson in bravery

• Envy: rising above the green-eyed monster

• The Stress Paradox

• Not woman enough: deconstructing constructs

• Ditch the pride: why asking for help is a strength, not a weakness

• An authentic self

• The power of empathy

• Online communication: a false sense of connection?

• Why life is a journey, not a destination

Lockdown 3.0: Our final opportunity in disguise?

There has been a lot of content published around life during Covid-19, coping with lockdowns, how to stay positive and more. Indeed, I have published three articles of this very nature, including a reflective piece about what we have learnt from 2020.

This time though, I wanted to present something a bit different.

The third lockdown here in the U.K is very likely to be the last lockdown (hopefully). That’s because of the current roll out of the vaccine and the fantastic work of the NHS who are working hard to administer thousands of doses each day. Across the world, roll-outs are slowly starting. It is our main chance back towards some form of normal living that is now such a distant memory.

But if it’s the last lockdown, what does that mean? On the face of it, the last push. The last difficult push. A period where we’ll all have to face our own challenges – from loneliness to home schooling. But what if we flip it on its head? What if we say that the last lockdown is our last opportunity? An opportunity in disguise. If we don’t make the most of it now, we never will.

With that in mind, here are three opportunities this final lockdown presents us with. Will you take up any of them?

1.  The opportunity to reflect and reassess

There will be moments in the future when we will miss having the quiet extra time that being at home has created for us. I can’t be the only one to feel that lockdown puts me in a highly reflective mode. A mode where I slightly turn into myself, but in a positive way. You suddenly are left to your devices with time as a key companion. Time: the biggest asset we have in life. There might be no parties, no dinners, no trips, no holidays, no seeing friends. But there’s opportunity in this free time, if we use it wisely. Rather than making it sunk or wasted time, we could use it to introspect, to reflect and reassess our lives and what we want from it. To tap into our deeper selves and critically assess our paths, the company we surround ourselves with, the jobs we have – and so forth. Are these things we are genuinely happy with? And if not, what might be some steps for us to address this? Reflection is powerful – and extra time allows us for more of that.

2. The opportunity to work on that thing you’ve always wanted to

When we have our routines disrupted this can mean one of two things. One, that we try to force some previous routine back into our lives and change very little else. Two, that we fill the change in routine with something that we have always wanted to do. Never run, but always wanted to? Set a goal to run 5km. Wanted to get creative but never really been able to build it into your routine? Get a canvas and some paint and follow an online painting tutorial (there are some great free ones out there). Wanted to start that side-hustle that is your secret passion? Now is the time to. If this is the last lockdown, the last time we will have so much time at home (and the freedom and flexibility that comes with that) let’s use it well. Do that thing you’ve always wanted to. If not now, when?

3. The opportunity to form healthier habits

Lockdown has also provided us with the opportunity to become healthier. The headspace and time to cook from scratch, or create healthier meals. The flexibility to get outside for a daily lunchtime walk in nature (fast becoming a ritual for me). The chance to not just “grab and go” during the day, get home exhausted, have a glass of wine and skip the gym. But rather to have proper meals, keep up the sustainable energy levels, practice mindful drinking, and work-out. There’s a good chance that a hybrid model of home and office settings will emerge even after the pandemic, so why not set the healthier habits you wish to continue now? Why not use the final lockdown as a way to shake up your lifestyle in a way you hope to keep going forward? Otherwise, it might be too late – and it’ll be much easier to simply slip back into old routines and bad habits.

So there we go.

Three opportunities that this lockdown presents us with. Because in adversity comes opportunity. And through challenges we have the potential to grow – if we apply ourselves with how.

What has been your experience of lockdown? What have you learnt? Or changed? I would love to know. Drop me a line here and I’ll get back to you with some of mine.

What a year: 2020 lessons learnt

What a year 2020 has been. I’m sure you’ve heard that one before. But it’s true. 2020 has been a year of change unlike many others. Change to our routines, to our perspectives, to our understanding of the world. Christmas was the epitome of this - a time that was challenging for many, with many families not being able to meet and spend time together in the way they usually would. If you're reading this now, I hope you still managed to make the most of it.

As a vaccine roll-out slowly begins, there is hope that things will slowly improve towards the mid-half of next year. But before we rush back to things being “like they once were” and 2021, a year that “can only get better”, it’s helpful to take a moment to pause, stop and reflect on the unprecedented year just gone. From this year of change, there have been a number of insights and lessons we learnt.

Here’s my take on a few.

We learnt that we could have our routines disrupted - and adapt better to it than we thought 

11am, somewhere in March, before the formal lockdown began. I am sat in a meeting room. There are only around 5 other people on the entire floor. I am speaking to a colleague on the phone. She tells me to expect to work from home for “at least 12 weeks, so they are saying”. I feel a wave of anxiety – 12 weeks without seeing people? Without socials and coffees and dinners in the way we know it? At the time, it felt like a momentous ask.

Fast forward to December and it has now been almost 12 months, let alone 12 weeks, since our routines were disrupted. And that very disruption has in many ways become part and parcel of the new reality. Christmas was perhaps the most difficult disruption, whereby previous traditions had to be adapted for a quieter, more modest Christmas. But in terms of working from home this year, I never would have thought it would have been okay. Yes, it was difficult at times, but we did it. The same can be said for all the parents who were looking after young children – “how ever will I manage?”, many asked themselves back in April. But we did. You did. And that’s a lesson learnt – how humans may not like to change their routine, how when forced to, we do a pretty good job at it.

We learnt that mental health is even more important during challenging times

A virus we hardly knew about, rising death rates globally, lockdown and a lack of physical contact all took their toll on many. But we knew and recognised the strain it would put on us. We learnt how important it was to care of our minds more than ever.

Joe Wicks took to at-home PE lessons, Zoom socials with our friends became common-place and we tried our very best to make banana bread. Movement became important, as did talking to people. Companies that thrived were those that cared for the employee: that created coffee roulettes to help colleagues stay connected, that informed people on the wellness resources available to them, that encouraged a culture of asking “how are you? – no, but really, how are you?”. 2020 accelerated the spotlight on mental health. And for anyone who doubted its importance before, they realise how critical it is now.

We learnt that we could do without public transport (and work from home just fine)

Another, more practical, lesson learnt was around public transport. Most of us who could work from home had to forgo the tube. And did we miss it? I know many friends who have invested in bicycles, or who have enjoyed walking to places, and hope to continue this healthier form of transport going forward. C02 emissions significantly dropped from less cars, taxis and Ubers on the road. We learnt that the time spent on public transport (which for some people, equated to 2 hours each way) could instead be spent on reading, family time, cooking, meditation or exercise. It wasn’t easy – the temptation to log-on earlier or stay later was there, but on the whole we learnt to make better use of the commute time we saved from not travelling. We learnt that working from home for extended periods was possible (thank you technology) and we could flex our days in ways that weren’t previously so possible. For me, I was able to carve out exercise much more than I was able to previously. Jubilee line, I do not miss you.

We learnt that kindness costs nothing and coming together as a community is powerful

I remember receiving a note under my door from my upstairs neighbours. It read “Hey Niluka, just wanted to pop a note in case you end up having to self-isolate, drop us a note if you need anything or if you go a bit stir crazy!” It was at that moment I felt a real sense of looking out for each other. A sense that 2020 was a year when we were all going through the same thing: not just locally, but also globally. The weekly clap for the NHS was another example of this war-like camaraderie here in the UK, as was all the remarkable people who all volunteered to help deliver food and essential items to the elderly and those shielding. 2020 was the year we learnt to put “We” over “I”.

We learnt to make do with the little things

And finally, 2020 was the year we learnt that the little things mattered. Cinema trips, shopping sprees, tourist attractions, restaurant outings and holidays were all put on hold. We learnt to entertain ourselves, with lockdown becoming a catalyst for creativity and new forms of entertainment based in the home. Suddenly, experimenting with a new recipe became a most pleasurable activity, as did those who took to new hobbies like cross-stich, painting, coding or learning a new language. The little things – a call with a friend, or a run outside – meant so much. And the biggest one for me? Nature. 2020 made me realise how fundamental it is to our overall sense of (well) being. And yet, previously, I very much took its benefits for granted.

2020. What a year.

As we move into 2021, why not stop and reflect on the year that’s been like no other. Because this will be a moment in history that one day, we will all look back on. These are just some of my own reflections and thoughts on the year and what we learnt. What are yours?

Protecting your mind, body and soul. A busy person’s guide to looking after yourself

We all know the feeling. Days that are full of meetings, never-ending check-lists, busy weeks and even busier weekends. Lots to do, see and plan. It’s great – a fulfilled, packed life is, after all, one to be lived. But are we looking after ourselves in the process? When the stress levels go up, are we making the right decisions to bring them back down again? Do we stop and check-in with ourselves in the midst of everything?

This is something I have personally experienced. During my undergraduate degree at Oxford, I worked myself to extreme levels – even on Christmas Eve - and was not happy as a result. It was only after reaching third year did I finally achieve some form of balance, and by doing so ironically achieved the best results in my degree, gaining firsts in all exams. And yet, I was working less than before and was taking better breaks. How could this be?

It was because I decided to take better care of my mind, body and my soul. The truth is, if a car isn’t properly looked after, it cannot travel as far as you want it to, no matter how hard you push the gas-peddle. With that in mind, I wanted to share a few things I do that help protect my whole self. Because, well, it’s important for sustainable success.

Protecting the mind…

The mind is something we have to look after. Mental health has come to the forefront in recent years, with more people feeling empowered to share their own struggles with others. Mental health (like physical health) is something we all have, and therefore should all pay attention to.

To help protect the mind, when feeling overwhelmed I often speak to someone – a friend, family member, coach or trusted colleague. It goes a long way. It helps put things in perspective and prevents some of the dangers of just “battling on” in the longer term, that can lead to anxiety, depression and unhealthy levels of stress. If feeling like you have too much on to sustain either yourself or high-quality work, talk to your manager about what can be changed to make it more manageable.

Another way to protect the mind is to schedule in quiet periods. The mind can only take in so much information from one day. Carving out times where you have silence in your day helps give the mind a break from all the noise and let it truly absorb all the information received. It’ll also mean the only time you get such silence to actually think is 3am at night. In fact studies have also shown that silent periods can also help spark greater levels of creativity (1).

And finally, you may find mindfulness or meditation can help. I put my hands up and say I don’t do this as much as I should, but those times when I have done it, I have definitely felt calmer and more “free in mind” than I did before.

Protecting the body…

The body. Perhaps the one we know how to protect the most. But when our days are long, do we still make sure we do so? Combining strength and cardio exercise has been proven to result in healthier bodies, as is eating food that nourishes. It is far too easy to shove down some crisps and a snack bar at lunchtime – hey, we’ve all done it - but it doesn’t leave us feeling better afterwards. I really enjoyed hearing one colleague recently explain how she has a rule of no phones or technology at the dinner table when eating. It won’t always be possible, but when it is, taking the time out to properly enjoy your meal goes a long way. Finally, we all know enough water is also essential (and working from home now allows for endless cups of tea, as well as berry infused editions!).

Ensuring you have a proper work set up is also key. I invested in a lumbar spine cushion on my chair which helps maintain good posture during the day. Gentle stretching movements and walking around also helps: according to research, for every 30 minutes of work we should spend 20 minutes sitting, eight minutes standing and two minutes moving (2). It might be hard to do this always – hello 2-hour workshops – but it is good to be aware at the very least, so you can make changes when you can. Is it possible to take that next meeting as a walking call?

Protecting the soul…

People can protect the soul in different ways – the deeper self. Some may use religion, or spirituality, to stay grounded. We also can explore what our personal purpose is in life – what we want to do, leave behind and what our is on impact others. This is all about protecting your own values and what is important to you. And making sure you act in an authentic way that is in line with this deeper self.

Another way to nourish your soul is spending time in nature. There is proven evidence that spending time in nature is highly calming (3) for both the mind and deeper self. I try to go for a walk most days if I can, even if just for 20 minutes. Seeing the trees and nature is highly grounding, and takes us away from the instant, technology filled lives that we live in. Likewise, spending time with loved ones, or even animals, creates dopamine levels that remind us of the more meaningful aspects of life. It all may sound rather deep – but protecting the soul is key to our overall wellbeing.

So that’s it – a very simple, beginner’s guide to protecting the mind, body and soul. Do you have any other tips or tricks that you use? I would love to know.

References and further reading:

(1)    https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/273999

(2)    https://edition.cnn.com/2015/08/06/health/how-to-move-more/index.html

(3)    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/nature-and-mental-health/how-nature-benefits-mental-health/#:~:text=Spending%20time%20in%20nature%20has,with%20mild%20to%20moderate%20depression.

The 12 Rules of Life; Peterson, Jordan; Penguin; 2018

Achieving Balance: A Simple book that will change your life; Willis, Alan; Manicboy Publishing; 2012

Fun, Free and Fluid: The Dawn of a New Age?

There is something very different about society at the moment. The fact that we are no longer tied to an office location has resulted in an identity based more on the self. Based on our own existences, surroundings and increasingly self-determined lives. Even before Covid, we were experiencing a shift in the new employee. One who was ready to challenge the status quo of 9-5, five days a week and instead focusing on outputs - what is done, rather than how it is done. And if that means taking a lunchtime run, going to pick the kids up at 4pm, or working from home to keep an eye on that DIY task, then good for you. As long as you deliver, who cares?

Then there’s another shift, particularly for the younger generation. This one, unrelated to Covid. In recent years, the traditional check-list (good job, marry, buy house, have kids, work some more, retire) has started to be challenged. There is a wave of 20-30 somethings who are actively deciding to challenge the status quo and instead carve out their own check-list. Priorities have changed. Tim Ferris writes it’s no longer about richness in the sense of pure money. Time and mobility are new forms of ‘currency’ that more and more people look for. As for the traditional family unit? According to a report released by the Pew Research Center, 25% of millennials are likely to never be married (1). Meanwhile, ONS figures show that the proportion of women choosing not to have children has doubled in a generation (2). And finally, where you live. The concept of bunkering down to live your life soley in one place is also being challenged. It’s now much more likely you’ll live in different places (with more opportunities to do so), than stick to living in the same place you grew up, which was often the case for the boomer or late boomer generations.

So what does all this mean? I think it means, there is a whole world of opportunity that has been opened up to us. If one is able to shake off the shackles of normality to follow what instinctively feels right to them, then we might very well see an uptake in “fun, free and fluid” living. One that is less rigid in terms of mobility (both at a micro-level in terms of your work-day and at or a macro-level in terms of where you live), as well as in terms of social constructs. Don’t get me wrong, traditional forms of living won’t be gone (and nor should they). Rather, they will just be met by another set of people deciding to do things their own way. To follow the path they choose, rather than one pre-built by others. With a society that is rightfully becoming more and more inclusive and accepting of differences, this is another example we should celebrate. Indeed, since embracing this perspective, the pressure to do all the things I once felt I “should” do, has evaporated. Instead, I’m ready to embrace a life out there that is entirely unwritten. Where that leads, who knows.

Now, isn’t that exciting?

References and further reading:

1) https://www.bentley.edu/news/nowuknow-why-millennials-refuse-get-married

2) https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/11/24/proportion-women-never-have-children-has-doubled-generation/

The Four Hour Work Week, Ferris, Tim; Random House, 2011

Mindset: Changing The Way You Think to Fulfil Your Potential, Dr Carol Dweck, Hachette UK, 2012

The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**, Knight, Sarah; Hachette UK, 2015

The Ambivert Complex

Here’s the thing. I love people, I love socialising and am curious about meeting new people from all walks of life. Here’s the other thing. I love spending time alone – sometimes, days – exploring my own energy, interests and mind. So what does that make me? Am I an extrovert? I used to think yes. Many people think that when they meet me – bubbly, outgoing and love a good party. But the other side of me seems to shout introvert – spending a lot of time alone to recharge, often outside. Often, I seem to explain this by telling people I am an ‘introverted extrovert’ or a ‘social introvert’. Well, not for much longer. Since the other day I came across a new word that seemed to sum up this strange complex…. an ambivert.

An ambivert is defined as someone who is made up of both extrovert and introvert characteristics. Too much socialising and it leaves them dead. Too little? A similar effect. It’s actually my opinion that many of us fall into this category, rather than being traditionally boxed into one extreme or the other (a concept founded by psychologist Carl Jung in the early 1900s). It’s one reason I think I was able to survive lockdown living completely alone, but equally needed the Zoom calls, work meetings and virtual socials to stay sane. Curious? According to Healthline*, here are some signs you may be an ambivert too:

1. Being a good listener and communicator

Whereas extroverts prefer to talk lots and introverts listen, ambiverts like to strike a balance between both. For example, sharing a story at a dinner party and then actively calling on the other guests to share theirs.

2. Being able to adapt your behaviour

Imagine being in a room filled with people and it being silent. An extrovert will naturally want to talk and fill the space, an introvert remain quiet. But an ambivert? They’ll do either, depending on the room, the context and the people.

3. Being comfortable in social settings, but also valuing your time alone

Aha! The total crux of the ambivert. That means enjoying being at a party and actively meeting others, but also enjoying time spent at home with no one around them. Both settings fill them with energy and so they often have a tricky time deciding which option they should choose. The ambivert will probably consider the pros and cons of both.

4. Being able to empathise and relate to those around you

While an extrovert may want to jump to the solution of a problem straight away, and an introvert simply offer a sound ear, an ambivert will often combine both. They’ll also ask questions to probe and understand the issue further.

5. Being able to provide balance in social settings

Too many extoverts in a group or too many introverts can lead to too much talking (in the former case) or too many awkward silences (in the latter case). An ambivert will be able to fill the balance needed from either extreme.

Concluding thoughts

It feels pretty reassuring to find that there is a term for this. To love a party but equally not suffer from FOMO when you would rather spend time alone. To have days when you want to talk to tons of people, network and share stories, and other days when you just want to be left alone and talk to no one, except maybe the dog. Up until recently, there has been very little literature or research on this complex. And with Myers Briggs and other personality tests seeming only to define people by E or I, surely, it’s time for ‘A’ to play a role here too?

References and further reading:

*https://www.healthline.com/health/health-ambivert

https://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2016/04/26/9-signs-that-youre-an-ambivert/#73f240483145

https://www.scienceofpeople.com/ambivert/

The Simple Things

Initially, this was going to be a ‘lockdown lessons’ post. But as I started to think about what lessons I have learnt, I realised that many of them fell under what one could call, the simple things. Psychologists have said that the prolonged period we have spent at home, without luxury items, trips or holidays, have forced us to unwittingly search for happiness within the parameters of our existing lives. And it’s not ground-breaking. There is many a book about how pleasure can be found through self-sufficient means. But what exactly do we mean by these ‘simple things’?

For me, it’s those things that bring you a sense of joy, calm and warmth without much effort or money. The below are few of the simple things in my life that I’ll never take for granted again. Thank you, lockdown, for showing me that satisfaction can be found in many shapes and forms.

Movement

Lockdown has seen me savour movement far more. At the height of lockdown, going outside for a run in the woods was the highlight of my day, while a Pilates class the perfect way to wind-down in the evening. I used to think movement meant smashing out a number of reps in the gym, or enlisting in an expensive Barry’s Bootcamp class - but no, it is far more than this. Even a simple morning walk outside can have a big impact.

Connection

Another simple pleasure lockdown has taught me is the power of connection. Before, a coffee date or dinner outing was something I took for granted, another event in the calendar. Now, in a world which has in many ways been turned upside down, a call with someone else means so much more. If there is one thing that has come out of lockdown, it is the increased level of empathy and support we have for each other. Human beings, tribal creatures by nature, will always find pleasure in connection and a sense of togetherness.

Art

Art comes in many forms, and simple pleasure can often be found in these. That poem that feels as if it could have been written by you. That song that brings a tear to your eye. That novel that causes you to forget the time. That painting that fills you with a supreme sense of wonder and admiration. In a fast paced, tech-filled world, taking pleasure in art again has been something I have greatly enjoyed again during lockdown.

Humour

There’s a common saying that in the dark times, humour can bring us together. We need it to alleviate stress. We need it to distract us from the monotony of being in the same surroundings every day. Shared subjective experiences — such as humour — are also essential to psychological well-being, and increase compassion. It’s one reason why humans often use laughter and comedy to try and get through difficult times. That text that makes you smile, or that colleague who always makes you laugh. And the best part? Humour is absolutely free.

Self-care

And finally, self-care. After the increased attention towards mental health in the last 5 years, self-care has become a buzz-word we often hear being used. But the joy of eating your favourite chocolate treat, or soaking in a long warm bath, or having an early night - all of these equate to self-care, overall well-being and a better mindset. With lockdown meaning that the barriers between work and home are now blurred, paying attention to ourselves and our own self-care routines has never been more important. Another simple pleasure that cannot be overlooked.

I certainly hope that in years to come we look back at this period and realise the power of the simple things in our lives. That we remember how, even when the traditional forms of pleasure like holidays and eating out were taken away from us, we were still able to lead fulfilled lives. Humans are simple creatures, really. And in many ways, that can only be a good thing.

The Boredom Benefit

The song ‘Bored in the house’ has gone viral since lock-down. Even after the government announced the baby steps out of lock-down, social distancing is still in place and we are still encouraged to stay home ‘as much as possible'. Weekends were once filled with parties, pubs, theatre, brunches, shopping and the like. Now? For many of us, we’re left to occupy ourselves. There is less spontaneity, excitement, variety. And meeting one person in the park at a 2m distance doesn't quite feel the same.

This static situation presents the danger of feeling very bored indeed. But is being bored such a negative?

The Cambridge Dictionary defines boredom as “feeling unhappy because something is not interesting or because you have nothing to do”. For many people who have been furloughed or are out of work, this is even more true. But if boredom means there is nothing to do – is that really true?

John Eastwood, director of the Boredom Lab at York University believes that boredom is simply a ‘crisis of meaning.’ It invites us to reflect on how we engage with the world. And with that boredom comes more time to consider how we can fight back against it, find an antidote to that feeling of apathy. It’s no wonder that lockdown has resulted in a surge of creativity across the nation. Many people are turning to new hobbies – friends of mine have taken up painting, knitting and writing. Families are holding at-home cooking competitions and engaging in good old-fashioned board games Long runs and cycles have called on us to become fitter. The pressing need to “innovate” has never felt more personal.

Once upon a time, the life our ancestors lived would have been seen as boring to us. Their aim was to hunt, shelter and essentially survive. There was no time to be bored. Boredom is the result of an overly stimulated, modern society. As Dr. Sandi Mann, the author of The Upside of Downtime: Why Boredom is Good, explains: “The more entertained we are, the more entertainment we need to feel satisfied. The more we fill our world with fast-moving, high-intensity, ever-changing stimulation, the more we get used to that and the less tolerant we become of lower levels.” Indeed, many psychologists believe that leaving kids to feel bored is actually a good thing as it encourages them to find ways to occupy and proactively stimulate themselves – vs being passively stimulated by technology all the time.

Some days, we might feel bored. I was sat in the garden feeling bored before deciding I would write this article. The result now? I feel less bored now. Boredom calls on us to be imaginative and address the ways we may overcome this. The wandering mind invites creativity. And the increased space and time we are experiencing now is a positive, if we use it well.

To end with a quote by author Earl Nightingale, ‘You’ll only find boredom where there is the absence of a good idea’. So, let’s get creative and find those good ideas...

References and further reading:

The Upside of Downtime: Why Boredom is Good, Mann, Sandi; Robinson; 2016

Bored and Brilliant: How Time Spent Doing Nothing Changes, Macmillan; Zomorodi, Manoush; 2018

http://boredomlab.org

5 things to feel happy about right now

There is a lot happening right now. Each of us is going through our own personal challenges as a result of Covid-19. And with no certain end-date to work towards, it can be hard. But there is positivity out there when you look for it. And trying to maintain a strong mind and positive outlook (even if hard) has never been more important.

With that in mind, here are my top 5 things to feel happy about right now...

1.    Good, home-cooked food

Yes. Being at home means waving goodbye to rushed sandwiches and cheap meals. Instead, the extra time we’ve been given is the perfect opportunity to really indulge in new recipes, home-cooking and slow baking. Many families are experimenting with new ideas and cooking has become a way to bring those at home together. Good food nourishes the soul, as well as body.

2.   More time for reflection

Often, we have no time to reflect because we are so preoccupied with going from x to y, completing task 1-100 and packing our weekends with multiple things. But Covid-19 seems to have demanded us to all stop for a moment and slow down. This has given many people the rare opportunity to really reflect on themselves and what they want. The saying ‘I wish I had more time?’ – well, now you do.

3.    No need to commute

Possibly the best feeling is not having to get on a packed tube at rush-hour, twice a day, five times a week. Studies have shown that 'The absence of the commute, via working from home, is associated with increased job satisfaction and leisure time satisfaction'.* Indeed, it's likely that working from home will become more common and accepted after this crisis. And that’s definitely something to feel happy about.

4.    The ability to stay connected

The internet is society’s main piece of infrastructure right now. One thing to feel positive about is the fact that we can at least connect with others virtually. Zoom, Teams and Skype have become the glue that is holding many colleagues and friends together. Imagine if that just wasn't possible!

5.    Knowing this will all be over

And finally, one thing to feel happy about is the fact that we will, eventually, get through this. Like with any challenge or testing period in life, we often come out the other side and grow from it. So though it may be hard, we can feel happy that there will be a time we all look back on this. 

* https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11116-019-09983-9

Not so invincible: Coronavirus and the reminder we are only human, after all

‘The worse public health crisis for a generation’ – that is how our Prime Minister described the Coronavirus (Covid-19) pandemic earlier this week. Ten times more dangerous than the seasonal flu, it’s beginning to impact all walks of life. And most certainly, there will be more changes to come in the next few months. We’re having to adapt, change and face something that is, in many ways, outside of our control.

Companies are encouraging employees to work from home and stop unnecessary international travel. With advances in technology, we have never been more prepared to adopt this flexible, agile style of working. There’s arguably a positive angle to this – for those companies that are behind the curve, it may very well mark a new dawn to modern ways of working.

Markets are volatile as a result of the outbreak – Britain's FTSE 100 experienced its worst day since 1987. Traders are uncertain as to what may come and global stock markets are teetering on edge.

The UK workforce will no doubt experience a hit, particularly in those professions that demand a large amount of contact with others (where working remotely is not even a viable option) such as for teachers or the police. People will inevitably be off sick – how will that impact productivity and efficiency in the short, medium and long term?

So what does all this change mean? I think it’s a sobering reminder that we are, after all, only human.

We have the advances needed to delay the virus and, eventually, will be able to develop a vaccine. But it’s reminded us that we simply cannot control external influences, even in the 21st century. The stockpiling and empty shelves, even if unnecessary, is a clear symbol of our basic human instinct to enter survival mode. Our basic human need to prepare for the worse.

What's happening now has reminded us that there will still be times we need to adapt, change and face the unprecedented. To break routines and find solutions. Ultimately, it’s reminded us that, for all our differences, we are only human – facing this together. 

Know thyself: why we all need to spend more time alone

I was talking to one of my fantastic mentors the other day – one who has had an incredibly varied and successful career and now lives with his wife and two children. I was asking him what advice he  would give to someone who is more or less ‘starting out’. He gave me many nuggets of wisdom, but one in particular resonated. It was a three-step approach to leading a fulfilled and successful live – the first step being to ‘know oneself’, the second to ‘grow oneself’ and the third to ‘grow others’.

‘To know onself’… I left the conversation ruminating over this first step to apparent success and fulfilment. Do I know me? Of course, I know the type of music I like, what generally makes me happy, the food I enjoy. But deeper than this – do really I know what I value in all areas of life – be it career, relationships or day-to-day living? I realised only partially, and that more self-exploration would be needed.

Two weeks later I did an exercise with my coach. I was presented with 30 cards regarding what I value in a job. I had to narrow this down to 10, then 5, then 3. It was tough because so many were important to me, but it forced me to understand what would really would make me live a successful and fulfilled career. Again, it was another piece uncovered in the jigsaw to knowing me.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have mentors and coaches around them. But I also believe that we don’t need them to understand who we are and what is important to us. Rather, I think the danger is that sometimes, we don’t make the time for ourselves. To enjoy our own company and really become attuned to who we are and what we want. Instead, we get too caught up in the practicalities of life. The cleaning that needs to be done, the brunch we must attend, the errands we need to run – life gets in the way, robbing us of our most precious companion – ourselves. And crucially, getting to know who he/she is.

Solitude is the key to being at peace with oneself. Indeed, studies have shown that those who are comfortable being alone, are, on the whole, happier than those who constantly need to be doing things and around people. And it often leads to better interactions with others. As one study put it, ‘being alone will help you grow more comfortable in your skin… the more you know yourself, the better equipped you'll be to be your authentic self when others are around’ (1).

It also leads to healthier relationships, because naturally, you develop a sense of self-sufficiency and independence. Rather than searching for your ‘other half’ that will ‘complete you’ (phrases that implicitly implies one is not whole already), you instead look for someone who will complement your life and add to it. This comes from being happier and comfortable being on your own. Unfortunately, this is something many people struggle with – particularly women, a hungover of the patriarchal norms that set finding a partner to be the greatest achievement possible. Conversely, being able to be happy alone is arguably a far greater one.

Studies have also found that solitude and spending time alone leads to greater levels of productivity and creativity. It’s easy to see why – it gives us the respite we need to perform at our best when we are ‘on’. Being alone also gives yourself the space to understand what you want – and make decisions that are then true to that. The alternative is running at 100 miles an hour, with no time to yourself for reflection or contemplation. A life like that would no doubt get pretty draining pretty quickly.

Your time alone doesn’t have to mean sitting in darkness watching the world go by. It can find itself in multiple outlets – for some it is simply 20 minutes of meditation or self-reflection time a day. For others like myself, it is setting aside a self-care day or a ‘stay-cation’ where I spend the time doing all the things I love. We often feel pressure to make enough time to see others and do various things, but let’s not forget to schedule in the time for ourselves too. After all, it’s the first step to getting to know oneself – the first step to leading a happier and more fulfilled life.

References and further reading:

(1) https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/5-ways-solitude-can-make-you-more-successful-backed-by-science.html

What a Time to Be Alone: The Slumflower’s Guide to Why You Are Already Enough; Eggerue, Chidera; Hardie Grant; 2018

Know Yourself: A Book of Questions; Smit, Irene; Workman Publishing; 2019

Choice Autonomy: A Reflection

As we embark on a new year, there is a lot to reflect on. For you, for me, for us all. 2019 saw me make a number of choices that have changed my life in different ways – whether that be starting a new job, moving to live alone for the first time in my life or ending a relationship that wasn’t serving me. It made me think that there are a number of choices that life presents us with. That there are always different options and sometimes deciding what is ‘best’ can be overwhelming due to the very paralysis of choice, presenting itself as both a blessing and a curse at the same time. 

What I have realised though, isn’t so much that choices can be hard, but rather the justification or the expectations that typically surround them. Rather than following what we think is right, or what our ‘gut instinct’ is telling us, we often end up in a calculating web of social expectations. Indeed, I’m sure if we all lived in a vacuum unafraid of what other people think, unafraid of failure, unafraid of making a decision that may seem ‘foolish’ to others, we would feel much more free in who we are and what we decide to do. 

Second guessing ourselves can often be one of the most damaging things to do. The phrase ‘analysis paralysis’ has never been more poignant for the modern generation – particularly one where we are all eyewitnesses to the lives of others, thanks to the likes of Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter. It’s easy to forget that when making a decision that will primarily impact your life, the main person that matters is you – not those who will have their own opinions about that decision. The need to justify, explain, or rationale the decision to others is not only often unnecessary, but sometimes can prevent you from taking the right course of action.

I can’t break up with x because we have been together 8 years and our families are so entwined and what would people think?

I can’t change my career because I have to prove myself to all those who have supported me this far and if the risk doesn’t pay off then what?

I can’t change my course at university because it might look like I failed the first one and my parents will be disappointed - I should therefore stick at this one

It can be hard, especially when others have your best interests at heart. But only you know you. Just think for a minute – if we made choices that best served us and silenced out the voices that surround us – the voices that say ‘if you do this, people may think that’ we would probably all be leading happier lives.

That’s why, as I enter 2020, I’ve decided to make choices as organically as I can. Choices where we still consult others for advice and counsel, but where ultimately the real decision maker lies within. Choices that are in line with me – not in line with the expectations held by those around me. Having to always justify what we decide to do can be tiresome.

So, the next time you want to do something right for you, but are stifled by ‘what other people may think’, don’t second guess yourself. Remember that you know yourself better than anyone else in this whole world – and, crucially, you have the right to make choices independently.

Happy 2020 x

Full acceptance, no expectations: navigating this thing called life

I never thought I would write a post titled ‘full acceptance, no expectations’. I used to be filled with expectations of what life would bring. And yes, of course I still have dreams of things I want to achieve, or ways I want to live, but I no longer expect to receive these. I hope for them. The difference between hope and expectation is critical - being hopeful leads to healthy drive and optimism, whilst expectation leads to self-righteousness and sharp disappointment if what you expect to get is not met.

Every day we read on the news a fluke incident or sad story that changes people’s lives. Indeed, most recently I was lucky enough to see Falklands war veteran and survivor Simon Weston speak about his story. It was incredibly moving. There was a man, whose entire life had been so dramatically turned upside down. A man explaining that, while he never thought he would end up where he is today, he is finally in acceptance of both his life and what happened to him (Simon suffered severe injuries in the war and has had over 50 operations since - his charity work and story being continually followed by the media). When Simon said he finally accepts who he is, and the life he leads, it made me think. Human beings - especially those today - seem never to have ‘full acceptance’ of the circumstances of the life they lead. Even if on the surface it looks pretty fine. There is always something missing. If only I had a bigger flat. If only I had a higher salary. If only I had a boyfriend. If only I lost weight. If only I lived abroad.

If only. If only. If only. I get it. Because that dissatisfaction is something I struggle with frequently. It’s only recently I’ve started to see that it risks becoming a continual feeling that can overtake an individual, if not recognised for what it is. My close friend told me that he now has ‘full acceptance’ of his life, after reading numerous books that explain the danger of perpetual dissatisfaction. Fundamentally, we are attuned to shift the bar as soon as we get what we want. Social media and the digital age has compounded this effect, with comparison becoming the root cause of no longer accepting what you have.

Don’t get me wrong, not accepting what you have because you want to change your life is a good thing. Steve Jobs didn’t just accept his tough childhood circumstances or let it shape him - he drove forward to achieve what he has achieved today. The nuance I am addressing here is to aim for what you want while simultaneously accepting and being grateful for what you have now. ‘I am going to aim for that bigger house, but I am equally in full acceptance and grateful for the flat I have now’. ‘I am going to work out more and eat more healthily, but I am equally in full acceptance and grateful of the body I have today’.

This mindset doesn’t mean you don’t achieve your goals, as you still are aiming for something. But what it does do is remove the negativity of not feeling ‘good enough’, or the taste of dissatisfaction that can cast a shadow of bitterness over even the most joyous moments in life. It can also be applied to relationships. There are those who let the fact they haven’t met their ‘ideal’ partner taint their entire life , and those who say ‘what will be will be - if it happens, it happens, if not that’s okay too’. I can guarantee the latter camp is much happier. No matter what the fairy-tales and novels tell us, we can’t all expect to have a smooth sailing love-story handed to us on a plate. To circulate back to the opening of this post - it is better to hope to meet someone, rather than expect.

So, as we near the end of this year, perhaps consider where in your life you may be able to adopt the ‘full acceptance, no expectations’ mindset. Aiming for what we want, while being grateful for what we have. Be it in work, love, or other aspects of life.

You may feel much lighter in spirit for it.

I know I do.

Further reading:

The Chimp Paradox; Peters Steve; Random House; 2005

Stop Thinking, Start Living: Discover Lifelong Happiness; Calson, Richard; Harpercollins; 2012

Long term life dissatisfaction and subsequent major depressive disorder and poor mental health; Rissanen, T., Viinamäki, H., Honkalampi, K. et al. BMC Psychiatry 11

Balancing balance: an undefined art

What is balance? Chances are, we hear something related to a ‘balanced life’ every day – whether it is around work/life balance, a balanced diet, feeling like you are constantly balancing the many demands of life. But how easy is it to maintain a life of seemingly ‘perfect balance’? And more importantly, does it exist?

Let’s take the concept most often used – having a work/life balance. There are two points here that are currently throwing this concept under the waves of re-invention.

The first is the fact that millennials now, more than ever, demand a flexible working style that is not judged by the 9-5pm desk job. You may work from home, go to a lunchtime class, see a friend for dinner and then log back on later to finish the day’s work. You may have periods where you work intensely, only to be followed by periods where you seem to conversely have more ‘life’ than ‘work’. Parents in demanding corporate jobs may leave at 4pm to do the school run, put the kids to bed, and then hold a few late evening calls. The traditional world of work is being re-thought, allowing greater levels of flexibility and a work/life balance that is more akin to marble cake, interweaved and blended, than the straight edges of a Battenberg.

The second point to make is one I heard a while back, at a careers panel discussion. One participant asked the question around work/life balance and the panellist explained that she no longer views the world with this lens. For her, as long as she is achieving her personal goals (be it at work or home), then the ins and outs of that balance become unnecessary. Is balance about finishing at 5:00pm every day or is it around having a routine that supports you, your own personal values and what you want out of life – be that from a macro-level or micro-level?

As for a balanced diet. What was once a scientifically backed term around having all food groups (whether you are a meat-eater, vegetarian or vegan), is now more around what ‘good’ and ‘bad’ foods you eat. The wellness gurus have come up with a whole load of different ideas around balance, from having a treat every day or a square of chocolate, to the 80/20 rule, to ‘everything in moderation’. And yet at the other end of the spectrum we get preached to cut out refined sugars, avoid carbs, go paleo, keto…. Is there really any balance (or clarity) in all of this? Again, what one person may view or feel is balanced for them may be something out of balance for the next individual.

And then we have the constant feeling of juggling many balls – the many demands of life which often feels like a balancing act. From life admin, to drinking enough water, to seeing friends, to getting enough sleep – the list goes on. Some days we may have a perfectly ’balanced’ day of getting many things done and feeling like we are bossing life. Other days consist of a less ‘balanced’ routine of staying in bed and watching Netflix without much else. My view? Both are good, because listening to our bodies and doing what feels right at that time is what really leads to balance.

Truth is, perhaps we are getting all so caught up with trying to live a life of perfect balance and compare ourselves to what one ‘should’ be doing, that achieving balance is no longer fun, let alone clear. Balance takes all sorts of shapes and forms – be it in your work, family life, or more nuanced aspects. And balance for one person can look completely different to the next. There really is no one size fits all.

Further reading:

Balance is B.S.: How to Have a Work. Life. Blend; Loehr, Tamara; John Wiley & Sons; 2019

How To Balance Your Life: Everyday Tips for Simpler Living and Lasting Harmony; Robin, James; Octopus Books; 2019

Change: a force to embrace

We all have our routines. Most of us have a similar commute to work each day, eat lunch in the same building, see similar faces, similar surroundings etc. And while this creates a sense of stability and security - can it also stifle one? There have been a few changes in my own life of late, which have made me think of such. Most notably, I have moved from one part of London to a completely different part of London. I no longer see the same streets, but new ones. For the first time, I am living alone. A different change of scene leading to fresh set of eyes and a new sense of re-invigoration. I also have a new job on the horizon – again, bringing change from the routine and tasks I am currently familiar with, know and am good at. So it begs the question: why change?

Change can be daunting. It can leave one with a sense of uncertainly at the unknown. A voice says: ‘but if I am happy now, why should things change?’ And indeed, this is a fair point. However, there is so much out there to embrace and see and do, that sometimes making an active and conscious change can be the very thing that prevents one from ending up in a stagnant routine. For me, having lived two years in Greenwich (a lovely place in South East London) I was starting to get, well, bored. My commute was great, my flat lovely – quite frankly, there was no real reason to move. However, I wanted to. I needed a new chapter to start, a new scene, and so I knocked on the door of change. Being fortunate enough to make this move and have the freedom to do so has opened up my eyes again – just like when I moved from the countryside into the city 3 years ago.

Of course, there is also passive change. The type that is forced upon one (rather than stemming from an active choice, as above). This can be good but also devasting. A break-up, being made redundant. All these things bring change that on the face of it is for the bad. However, I do believe it can also be embraced. A dear friend of mine has been made redundant lately and she was (understandably) upset. But the change that was forced upon her has now seen her achieve a better paid job in a great company – something that she would otherwise have not even considered. The same is said for relationships. I know of both women and men who have become happier as the result of a breakup that was awfully tough at the time – but, looking back, was a change for the better.

If everything was the same, things would get boring wouldn’t it? Indeed, millennial’s today are likely to try out 3 different career paths and have around 10 different jobs. The need for change and trying ‘something new’ has become more and more apparent, more so for the younger generation. Even the traditional notion of ‘settling down’ has been challenged, with many couples opting to maintain separate flats rather than live together, or, for those fortunate enough, have multiple homes to prevent the monotony of a day-to-day routine.

In the workplace, change and transformation can be something that some leaders might see as a threat – and indeed resist. But again, change can be good for a company if done in the right way, with the right intention. Consider the acquisition of a smaller company by another larger, well established one. A change that is likely to be daunting for the employees of the company being acquired. But what about the benefits this could bring? The possibility of a change that could reap extensive positive results for all parties involved?

Of course, how we view change is also individual. For some, it presents itself as a new opportunity or at least an interesting challenge. For others, it can be frightening. A few weeks ago I presented a workshop on behaviours and emotional intelligence, presented by Professor Adam Crizzle of Birmingham University (1). He explained to the attendees that those who favour a more harmonious, calmer existence may be more inclined to see change as a threat. By contrast, those who thrive off fast paced environments and action were more likely to embrace change and see it as a positive force. To take another, fictional example, we might turn to the award winning book ‘Eleanor Oliphant  is completely fine’ (2) which explores change in a profound and touching manner. The protagonist wears the same type of clothes each day, eats the same lunch each day and has had the same job for over 12 years. The book traces how, by a serious of random encounters and situations, she becomes unstuck from this routine. Although uncomfortable, she begins to learn more about herself and her life – things that would otherwise have remained hidden had she not pushed the boundaries of her comfort zone. A beautifully written book that has, unsurprisingly, sold over 2 million copies.

Change can be a force for good, just as it can be dauting. Likewise, some people may need more change in their life than others. I know for me, variety and some form of difference in routine is essential to keeping me motivated. When you wake up and start to think – ‘here we go again’ or have a day so predictable that it could be done with your eyes closed, perhaps it’s time to call on Change. Embraced in the right way, change can be the very thing capable of injecting new energy into life.

References and further reading:

(1) https://hillcrofthouse.co.uk/about/hh-team/

(2) Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine, Honeyman, Gail; HarperCollins; May 2017

180 Ways to Effectively Deal with Change, Calzada Laurie; The Walk the Talk Company, 2007

Emotional Intelligence: how to better understand people

Emotional intelligence was once given little thought. Although the term was coined in 1990, it has only been in the last decade or so that the concept has really picked up, following Daniel Golman’s award-winning books on the subject (1). Now, more and more people have started to pay attention and critics argue it can be as (if not more) important to one’s success than the standard measure of intelligence – your IQ.

The original definition used to describe emotional intelligence (also referred to as EQ) is ‘a form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one's own and others' feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use this information to guide one's thinking and action’.  As someone who has always been especially academic from an early age, I used to think all that mattered was your brain and your intelligence. Smart people go far, right? But having been in the world of work for just over a few years now, I have seen more and more that the hidden ingredient goes beyond the brain. Emotional intelligence and all the elements that make up this (empathy, understanding, active listening, adapting your style etc.) are critical to one’s overall success.

And that’s because at its more basic level, humans are wired to feel before they think. We react internally before we process something rationally. So being able to tune into the emotional state of those around you – and yourself – is key to how situations are handled and creating a positive outcome. Indeed, how many times has something, or someone, annoyed you and you reacted immediately as a result? An angry message or a curt response? Using one’s emotional intelligence would look like something like this: one takes a step back, reflects on the matter, sees the view from that person’s perspective and then responds, once this has all been processed. This almost always leads to a better outcome. Indeed, to quote one Forbes article, ‘statistics from Harvard, Stanford, and Carnegie Foundation show that 85–87% of our success accounts from soft skills, emotional intelligence, and personal skills, yet we only pay attention to them 10% of the time’ (2)

As well as the ability to step back and reflect, another core element of emotional intelligence is being able to respond to constructive feedback. Rather than thinking ‘this is a personal attack on me’ or ‘I feel low as a result of this feedback’, the individual instead views it as a positive and a way to improve. They are grateful – not resentful – of the feedback and development points given to them. Other examples include authentic leadership and being yourself – also discussed in the book Why Should Anyone be Led by You? (3) – as well as being able to praise others for work they have done, and showing credit where credit is due (4).

Of course, emotional intelligence stems wider than the professional environment. It is critical in all forms of your life – including friendships and forming healthy relationships. Being able to understand others and see the wider perspective to any one situation or interaction is key. And this starts with being able to understand yourself – your own strengths, weaknesses and how you might be perceived. I am all for learning more about social styles and individual personality types, because this understanding can then help shape your reaction to a work colleague or someone in your personal life- by having a greater sense of self-awareness to start. Most recently, I met Professor Adam Crizzle who has developed an IBA framework (Intelligent Behaviour Analytics) which looks at this in more detail (5). His work is fascinating and has been applied to both education as well as corporate environments.

In short, emotional intelligence is not just a buzz word. It is critical to our interactions with people and creating positive results, in all areas of life. So, the next time someone asks you what your IQ is – why not also ask them what their EQ is?

References and further reading:

1) Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ; Goleman, Daniel; A&C Black; July 2009

2) https://www.forbes.com/sites/matthunckler/2017/02/20/emotional-intelligence-in-business-and-life/

3) Why Should Anyone Be Led by You?; Robert Goffee, Gareth Jones; Harvard Business Press, 2006

4) https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/13-things-emotionally-intelligent-people-do.html

5) https://hillcrofthouse.co.uk/about/hh-team/

Bursting the (social) bubble: diversifying thought through diversifying people

A few months ago, the BBC released a quiz titled ‘Crossing divides: Do you live in a social bubble?’ (1). Out of curiosity, I went through a number of questions ranging from whether those in my social circle are of a similar age or similar background to me, to whether their opinions are ‘very much like mine’ or ‘not at all like mine’. On the spectrum from ‘bubble free’ to ‘bubbling over’, I came out as having an ‘average bubble’ – i.e. my social circle is a mix of people like me, but also a mix of those different to me. It certainly got me thinking.

One of the questions particularly struck a chord: ‘It is important for me to listen to people who are different from myself. Even if I disagree with the other person, I still want to understand them’. For many people, difference can be something frightening. If someone has a different viewpoint to you, it can make you feel threatened, even vulnerable. In the most extreme cases (Brexit, religious differences or the recent anti-abortion laws in the US) this can lead to nationwide outcry and friction between groups of people. Difference is often perceived as a threat to identity. As a result, we can altogether avoid those who have opposite viewpoints to us, in the hope that we won’t have to confront something we feel fundamentally alien to. And yet – is this the best option? A healthy dialogue of thought between people, though challenging, can enrich and open minds in ways that black box thinking may not. Yes, it might feel uncomfortable to start, but it can also reap huge benefits.

For me, I welcome challenge to thought or opinion – as long as it is done in a respectful, honest and responsible manner. Because the dialogue this opens up has made me see things in different ways, ways I wouldn’t have otherwise seen if my ‘bubble’ was only filled with people who shared the exact same viewpoints to me. I have learnt that when two people share different views on a subject, this does not have to be a negative thing. Some of my closet friends have fundamentally different views to me, but this has not caused a division between us because we like each other for who we are. Difference is only a cause of friction if it is allowed to become that by the parties involved.

In the business environment, companies that contain a diverse selection of people from different socio-economic backgrounds, genders, race and other aspects of inclusion and diversity (I&D) are often higher performing. It’s not surprising why. A diverse mix of people leads to a diverse mix of thought. This in turn leads to a whole range of different ways to solve a problem or come up with an idea, which might otherwise be limited if the company was made up of very similar people who thought in very similar ways. I am proud to work for a company that takes I&D very importantly and is something leaders are actually measured on, as well as financial performance. And in the long term, the two are ultimately linked. Indeed, a recent study by the Boston Consulting Group (BCG) found that diversity can increase revenue by up to 19%, stating that "increasing the diversity of leadership teams leads to more and better innovation and improved financial performance.” (2)

My social circle has certainly grown since moving to London – I have friends, acquaintances and colleagues from all walks of life, some very different to mine. The diverse mix has enriched my life in ways that wouldn’t have been otherwise. Branching out of a social bubble and listening to different people has the potential of teaching you something new. It’s one reason I really enjoy meeting new individuals – because everyone has a different story, a different journey, a different perspective you can learn from. So let’s celebrate difference, not shy away from it.

References and further reading:

(1) https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-47403809

(2) https://www.forbes.com/sites/annapowers/2018/06/27/a-study-finds-that-diverse-companies-produce-19-more-revenue/#2239dc51506f

Profiting from diversity: The Business Advantages and the Obstacles to Achieving Diversity; Moss.G; Springer; 2009

I’m fine thanks. The biggest lie there is and why it pays to be kind

Earlier this month was Mental Health Week. Across the country, firms, communities and organisations held various initiatives to mark the week and the importance of mental health. Society has never been more fast-paced, more inter-connected and more digitally savvy than before. But with this comes the sub-context of a pressure-cooker environment that our ancestors, who led much simpler lives, did not have to face. It’s no surprise that levels of mental ill-health are on the rise. The latest figures state that on average 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health issue in their lifetime (1). And yet, how many people would you be able to knowingly name as having such? It’s likely that the numbers don’t add up, because the cruel reality of mental health is that it is disguised, hidden. And that is why it is so dangerous.

I will never forget the conversation I once had with my mentor. We said that, often when you ask someone ‘how are you?’, the answer is ‘I’m fine thanks, you?’ That’s as far as we get, particularly in the workplace or talking to those outside your close friends. The trouble lies in taking these answers at face value. Because chances are, that person who said they are fine? May not be. They could have had an awful journey that morning, a set-back in their personal life, or be struggling with anxiety that meant they had four hours sleep the night before.

With mental health, the saying couldn’t be truer: you really cannot judge a book by its cover. Particularly in a society which depends so much on social media as depicting a perfect life. We all have good days and bad days. But do I ever put the bad days on my carefully curated Instagram feed? No. Do I have them? Yes. I’m always astounded by the perceptions people can make by how you act and how you look. The myth behind many mental illnesses is that they manifest themselves physically – someone with depression who looks dishevelled, or someone who has experienced major weight gain/loss. But this is not the case. The disguise shouldn’t mean that you are tougher on one person over another because you think they are okay. That’s why every interaction you have with someone can have a magnitude of knock-off effects and could be the straw that breaks the camels back. It pays to be kind because – and if I could say this twice I would – you never know what someone is going through. 

It is also why London’s Lord Mayor’s Appeal launched the #thisisme campaign (2), to end the stigma that stops people speaking out, aiming to increase the normality around mental health. Charlotte’s story (3) is just one example from the programme that explains the hidden nature of those who seem apparently okay: ‘there is so much underneath that people do not know just because it is not visible. Because it is something that you cannot physically see, it is often not taken as a serious issue’. And often, people don’t want to show they are suffering. Our human instinct tells us not to show weakness or vulnerability (something even more profound for men who have grown up in a world where ‘man-up’ and the culture of toxic masculinity has made this even harder). How many times have you gone through a tough time but if those around you were asked, no one would know the difference? It’s the same for those suffering with mental health conditions. Putting on a brave face has become the norm. Hence the ‘I’m fine thanks’ default.

We cannot fix someone else’s mental health issues ourselves, but we can play an important part in it. And this goes down to the fundamentals of how we treat others. My firm recently rolled out a ‘Kindness in Leadership’ programme which makes me proud of the progress large corporations are making in terms of creating a nurturing and supportive culture, which was very different to the corporate environment ten years ago. For someone struggling, the difference between a kind leader and a not-so-kind-one could be the very factor that determines whether their condition is exacerbated or improved over time. Likewise, a friendly smile, a hello in the lift or a sincere compliment can all ripple out into something that changes that persons day for the better.

So the next time someone says ‘I’m fine thanks’, smile back but remember they may not be. And that every interaction you have will have impact on them. So make it a positive impact. Be kind, always.

References and further reading:

(1) https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/statistics-and-facts-about-mental-health/how-common-are-mental-health-problems/#.XOlaxYhKg2w

(2) https://www.thelordmayorsappeal.org/a-healthy-city/this-is-me/

(3) https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/mental-health-problems-can-be-hidden-serious

Kindness in Leadership, Haskins, Gay, Thomas, Michael and Johri, Lalit; Routledge, 2018

Culture and Mental Health: Sociocultural Influences, Theory, and Practice; Eshun, Sussie, Gurung, Regan A. R; John Wiley & Sons; 2009

 https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/emotional-nourishment/201711/why-random-acts-kindness-matter-your-wellbeing

Setting boundaries, saying no and maintaining your sovereignty

In my last post, I spoke about freedom. Now here I am talking boundaries. They may sound like polar opposites but the link between the two is actually pretty clear. For if you set the correct boundaries and red lines, you protect yourself from being pressured into doing something that doesn’t sit quite right with you. We’ve all been there - that feeling when you ultimately feel as if you have lost all control and someone else or something else makes the decisions for you. But the result of boundary setting? Greater levels of autonomy, sovereignty and, yes, freedom. From work settings to friendships to relationships, I am a huge advocate of boundary setting, and why it has a direct impact on your happiness.

Let’s start with the workplace. I was incredibly proud to see one of the senior partners at my firm share an article by Harvard Business Review about the power of saying no (1). Sound scary? The principles are actually fairly basic and what most people would agree with – but somewhere along the way, we lost sight of this and became afraid of the dreaded two letter word. Yet the article sets out some fantastic examples of how setting boundaries can result in more effective, smarter work: ‘the difference between living a life of peace and productivity versus a life of stress and resentment could lie in one simple skill: Learning how to say no’. It looks at how to politely decline optional meetings which may not require your attendance – in turn freeing up precious time to work on more important tasks. Likewise, it talks about time-frames. In those instances where there is leg-room on a task that isn’t a priority, then shifting the deadline from the onset can turn ‘something from a frustration that keeps you at the office late, to not a big deal’. Indeed, setting and managing expectations from the outset is critical and, done well, can allow you to perform at an optimal level which leaves you feeling energised and happy - not exhausted and drained.

And then there are personal relationships. Setting boundaries in friendships or romantic relationships is critical. To take myself as an example, I am an ‘extroverted introvert’. This means that, despite being very outgoing, the way I re-charge is actually spending time alone. Therefore, I set personal boundaries when spending time with people. For example, I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to see four friends back to back (even if technically I was free) for I know that that much social interaction leaves me feeling a bit depleted. But four friends on four different evenings? Count me in. In a relationship or dating context, I value my own space. So again, setting boundaries from the outset means being clear with that person that leading separate lives (then coming together as a unit) is essential. These are examples of boundary setting that are personal to me, so I urge you to think about what the equivalent lines might be for you.

Some psychologists have argued that there are different degrees of personal boundaries. And, like with most things, there’s a call for the correct balance. For example, saying no to your boss each time they ask for something will only set you up for failure. Our aim should be ‘healthy’ personal boundaries, rather than ‘rigid’ or ‘porous’ boundaries. Taken from a psychology article (2), these can be defined as such:

Healthy: You have healthy boundaries if you: (1) value your own opinion, (2) don’t compromise your values for other people, (3) appropriately share personal information, (4) are accepting of others when they say no to you.

Rigid: You have rigid boundaries if you: (1) avoid intimacy and close relationships, (2) usually don’t ask for help, (3) have few close relationships, (4) may seem detached, (5) distance yourself to avoid rejection.

Porous: You have porous boundaries if you: (1) over-share personal information, (2) have difficulty saying no to the requests of others, (3) get overinvolved with other’s problems, (4) tolerate abuse or disrespect.

Rigid and porous are two extremes – healthy is the optimum state we should all aspire to. And don’t be afraid to test this out with family members or those close to you. Indeed, we often hear sad stories of family rifts caused by children feeling they have to become what their parents want them to be. Only the other day in the news was the story of a Pakistani girl called Taiba who defied her father’s cultural expectations of becoming a doctor. Thankfully, after a long conversation with her Dad, Taiba was able to convince him that she was going to study History and Politics, not Medicine. She said no to the original plan and set clear boundaries. In doing so, she maintained sovereignty over a life that could otherwise have been very unhappy indeed.

A year ago I never would have given this much consideration to boundary setting or the power of saying no to situations that aren’t in line with what I truly want. But becoming more conscious and aware of the ‘gut feeling’ I have in certain situations has enabled me to start to understand exactly what my boundaries are. They are very much a work in progress. For as humans evolve, so too will our boundaries. But the key? To ensure that they are there.

References and further reading:

(1) https://hbr.org/2019/03/9-ways-to-say-no-to-busywork-and-unrealistic-deadlines?utm_campaign=PostBeyond&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=LinkedIn&utm_term=%23281164

(2) https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/how-help-friend/201711/why-is-it-important-have-personal-boundaries

(3) https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/stories-48135051/how-do-you-tell-your-pakistani-dad-you-don-t-want-a-career-in-medicine

The Power of No: take back control and find time for you; Headon, Abbie; Hachette UK; 2019

What a time to be free

Recently, I have reached an epiphany of some sort. Not the enlightened type that comes in a flash and leaves you a different person the next day. No, the type that, overtime, builds with experience. Little moments or revelations that lead to a realisation that yes - now I see. This is the situation. In this case, it can be summed up in one word: freedom.

The freedom to do what you want, when you want. The freedom to see who you want, when you want. The freedom to decide what you do and when you do it. Freedom. The freedom to apply for the same job as a man. The freedom to choose the partner you want. The freedom to not choose a partner. The freedom to go on a city-break, at short notice. The freedom to run a 10km and not plan the route. The freedom to eat what makes you feel good. To wear what you want. The freedom to listen to what you want. Freedom.

For the power to act as one wants (as long as it is not at the detriment of another) is one of the most liberating, empowering and happiest feelings in existence. Another fact? It’s also one of the most insurmountable privileges to recognise. For how many of the above list do we take for granted? I cannot express how lucky and grateful I am to live in a country, and be in a position, that allows such freedom. The western world has many faults, but, oh! how many positive traits does it have, but that we don’t even see – so accustomed have we become.

To take one example I feel strongly about - the freedom to not have to be married by the age of eighteen (or in some cases, younger). It breaks my heart that forced marriage is a custom engrained in so many cultures. Or that, in some places, women do not have the freedom to even step foot outside their house, without the permission of a male authority. Let alone apply to the same roles as men. Freedom from a feminist angle is immense. I could never do it justice in this article alone – but my goodness how it is there. And yes, of course there are still mountains to be moved, even in the UK. But lest us not forget how many mountains have already been moved and what incredible freedom we do have, as women. To quote @femalepositivity: ‘The most wonderful moment in a woman’s life is when she realises she can do whatever she wants, and she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation, and she doesn’t need anyone’s permission. She’s just living. And it’s beautiful’.

Of course, freedom is something that goes beyond gender. It is hidden, submerged, in some of the smallest day-to-day things. The power to request water for free – water we know is safe and that we can drink. The power to travel further, thanks to the invention and continued development of public transport, allowing a very physical type of freedom, open to almost anyone. The freedom to have flexible working hours or to remotely work, which more and more successful employers are implementing to improve retention rates of millennials and/or parents who want greater flexibility. It’s remarkable when you start to look at what things you are free to do, rather than focusing on what you are not free to do - which, typically, become a factor of economic status and luxury lifestyle, rather than the basic free will of actions.

And then there is the freedom from commitments. To have no commitments - at this age - gives me the liberation to do as I choose. To be silly and come home at 2am. Or to decide to have a night-in with a book and a face-mask, listening to a TedTalk about how to achieve your biggest goals. Or to wander into a market and buy a bunch of daffodils for the kitchen table. My next goal is to use this personal freedom to help others - those in a less fortunate position, or to assist charitable causes that could make a difference to someone else.

As you can see, there are many degrees - and types - of freedom. At times, we can feel trapped or like we are living life within boundaries. When you feel like this, ask yourself why? Is it because of something you want (in which case, driven by an autonomous choice) or is it the result of something you don’t want? And if the latter, what decisions can you make to restore that sense of liberation – a liberation that, at its purest form, we have all felt as children.

Freedom. Something we should embrace as much as we can, while we can. It would be a mistake not to.

Risking taking more risks: a lesson in bravery

Hands up if you are as bold as you want to be? Chances are, the answer is no. When you want to ask for that promotion – do you? When you want to ask that attractive person for a drink – do you? When you want to ask the waiter to change your entire order after you have ordered – do you? The list goes on. It’s the smallest things where we decide to ‘just leave it’, that prevent us being brave enough to get the outcome that we really want. And why? Because of the risk that it may not go our way. A boss who may think you are too pushy, a cute person who may turn you down, a waiter who may frown upon you. Human instinct tells us that the risk isn’t worth it. And the less we are comfortable with being brave and risking it, the more we protect ourselves in a dangerously safe bubble of security that becomes increasingly harder to escape. The result? We end up settling and/or missing opportunities.

But what about if we became more comfortable with taking risks? Good risks, of course. Ones that bear the potential fruits of joy in the long term. Indeed, it’s no surprise that when asked what they would tell their 25-year-old selves, older people were most likely to encourage greater risk taking, particularly in the area of career (1). Think about it: it can feel risky leaving a job where you have created a routine and world around - but if it no longer serves you and/or leaves you unhappy, who knows what could be on the other side. And even if it doesn’t work out at first (as was the case for the founders of Amazon, LinkedIn, GoPro and more) then that does not signal the end (2). No experience – and that includes failure – is ever wasted.

Let’s consider some of the most famous motivational quotes out there:

if you don’t ask, you don’t get

nothing ventured, nothing gained

you only live once

We hear these all the time - but how far do we abide by them? For at the heart of all these is the sentiment of bravery. The fact that life is short, fragile and precarious – so grab it by both hands and be bold in doing what you want to do. Not other people, you. Even as I write this, the thought feels overwhelming. For risks wouldn’t be risks if there wasn’t the element of fear involved. If there wasn’t the possibility that the risk won’t pay off. But when faced with that, I always like to ask ‘well, what’s the worse that could happen?’ More often than not, the outcome is less disastrous than we might have initially convinced ourselves. Indeed, in her book You Unstuck, Libby Gill uses cases studies, client stories from her work as a coach and scientific research on the brain to explain the biological basis of fears that tend to hold people back. Gill shows how to reframe what she terms ‘Riskophobia’, looking how to turn off the fear voices and avoid the ancient defence systems that hinder us in the modern world (3).

It goes for relationships too. Risking leaving a long-term relationship or marriage that no longer serves you, leaves you uninspired, bored and looking for more. In the worse situations (yet by no means uncommon) this becomes the start of affairs – the risk of leaving is too great and so a web of lies and deceit start. The braver decision would be to end it and start afresh. The same goes for the opposite end of the scale. Not risking putting yourself ‘out there’ for fear of rejection and/or let-down and/or it not working out.

Taking risks in life may not be the ‘easy’ option - be it in your career, relationships or those smaller day-to-day decisions we make all the time. Yet the long-term impact can be momentous. Taking smart risks can be the very catalyst that leads to a richer, more fulfilling life. Because what’s worse – a risk that didn’t pay off, or the regret of not knowing what could have been?

References and further reading

(1)  https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/career-advice-i-wish-had-25-shane-rodgers/

(2)  https://www.rocketspace.com/tech-startups/6-startup-founders-who-failed-before-succeeding#

(3)  You Unstuck: Mastering the New Rules of Risk-Taking in Work and Life, Gill, Libby, Travelers Tales, August 2009

The Art of Risk: The New Science of Courage, Caution, and Chance, Sukel Kayet, National Geographic Society, March 2016

Envy: rising above the green-eyed monster

The other day I read a poem by award-winning poet Rupi Kaur, who addressed one of the hardest, most uncomfortable truths in human nature:

‘What terrifies me most is how we

foam at the mouth with envy

when others succeed

but sigh in relief

when they are falling.

Our struggle to

celebrate each other is

what’s proven most difficult

in being human’

Explaining our achievements to family or close friends is a given - after all, we want to make those we love proud. But beyond that close circle? Communicating our success becomes harder, not really knowing whether the person listening to us is genuinely happy, or are actually fighting an indescribable pang inside. Somehow, by achieving something great, there is the the risk we are making the other person feel less secure, or, worse, threatened. Since when did this become the case? Since when did we view others as competition, when truly, our only real competition is ourselves?

The stats around envy are startling, yet all too relatable. For one, both men and women are more likely to envy someone who is their own age and of the same gender (1). Indeed, do you tend to envy your own sex or the opposite? Perhaps this is because a large amount of envy doesn’t only stem from achievements, but from appearances. And if we are to compare, we will compare apples with apples, not apples with pears. Men will aspire to the bulk and muscles of the regular gym-goer, women the glossy (misleadingly perfected) looks of the female cover-girl. Indeed, given the endless pressures of society on females, envying the same sex seems to be a particular problem amongst women. It is no coincidence that the statement ‘When women support each other incredible things happen’ trended on International Women’s Day this year – it revealed the sub-hidden context that we don’t do this enough. And yet, it’s true. When I meet other strong, inspirational and supportive woman, I feel motivated to achieve more – incredible things really do happen, for both parties.

A second surprising statistic is that envy is experienced by nearly all of us. Even if you don’t count yourself a jealous person, around 80% of people under 30 reported feeling envious of others. But by the ages of 50 and over, that figure went down to 69%. (1) It is perhaps why we feel more comfortable having mentors who are older than us – not simply because they have more experience and are therefore better placed to help - but also because we know subconsciously there is less a chance of them feeling envious towards us and our achievements.

Over the years, there is a statement I have come to love: ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. For at its core, envy stems from social comparison and a subsequent sense of insecurity (2). You can’t have envy without comparing yourself to other people. And comparison is a dangerous place to be in. Someone in this world will always be richer, more beautiful, more successful, more fit, more everything than you. And yet the paradox of the matter is when you scratch beneath the surface nobody really has it all, for every person will always experience problems and weaknesses – just like you. If we cannot beat the all too easy temptation to compare ourselves to others, we can never beat the pangs of the green-eyed monster. We only have ourselves and our life. Why waste precious time and energy envying what others are, or have done, and instead focus on what you are, what you can do? As soon as we shift this mind-set, we see others around us not as relative competition but as independent individuals  – individuals we can support and, critically, be happy for.

For envy binds our freedom, leads to resentment and bitterness – and it is dangerous in the work place too. As discussed in the Harvard Business Review, envy damages relationships, disrupts teams, and undermines a company’s performance. Ironically, it harms the one who feels it more than the person being envied. Because when you become obsessed with someone else’s success, your own self-respect suffers – in turn you may end up sabotaging your own performance (3). Instead, the most successful people often practice the concept of ‘enlightened self-interest’ – the fact that by helping others (rather than holding them back through jealousy) we benefit from a) the ‘feel good’ high that lends itself to altruism, but b) the possibility that that person may then help you in the future. Supporting each other is a two-way street, after all.

As well as practising enlighted self-interest, another practical method is to avoid other envious people, for envy breeds envy. This is why it is one of the most toxic of all emotions to have in a friendship or relationship, for it means that both parties are secretly in competition with each other – always hoping to ‘better’ the other person, behind a deceiving veil of support. Instead, spending time with more grateful and self-assured people is the healthiest thing we can do, for gratitude is something that is equally contagious. Being with those who experience contentment and happiness for others will lead to more of that in yourself. They say that you are what you eat - not quite true. But who surround yourself with? There’s truth in that.

All in all, letting go of the green-eyed monster (or at least being conscious of when it emerges and why) is one of the best things we can do – for ourselves, for those around us, and for society as a whole. Let’s resist the urge to find comfort in other people’s flaws, and instead search for inspiration in their strengths.

References and further reading

(1)  Envy Across Adulthood: The What and the Who; Harris Christine and Henniger, Nicole, University of California, Journal of Basic and Applied Social Psychology, November 2015

(2) The Psychology of Jealousy and Envy; Salovey, Peter; Guildford Press, February 1991

(3)  Envy at Work, Harvard Business Review https://hbr.org/2010/04/envy-at-work

The Stress Paradox

A little while ago I went on a stress management course at work. I am very lucky to work for a company that takes employee well-being seriously and offers the course free of charge, encouraging employees to have safe-guards and coping mechanisms in place to prevent extreme levels of stress. Companies - at least those wanting to succeed with a sustainable workforce and low staff turn-over - have no choice but to take this stuff seriously. In the last ten years, there has been all too many a story of employees in high-pressured environments spiralling into overwhelming stress that has led to burn-out, anxiety, depression and – at its worse - suicide. Yet stress is, of course, something that is not just reserved for the work environment, and can manifest itself within a whole range of different environments and due to a whole range of reasons. The terms ‘stress’, ‘mental health’, ‘well-being’ and ‘self-care’ have become increasingly prevalent in modern society. But how seriously are we really taking them?

I’ve called this feature ‘the stress paradox’, because stress is a messy subject to tackle. It avoids definition and is often hard to detect. Indeed, 85% of UK adults experience stress regularly (1), so regularly in fact, that feeling this way has somehow become a perfectly normal state of being. As mentioned, stress is found not only in the workplace but in all areas of life and the culmination of too many individual factors (which may in themselves be okay) will often lead to the straw that breaks the camels back when combined. And yet despite all this, stress can also come in both positive forms and act as the key ingredient that leads to higher levels of motivation and productivity. Stress lends itself to no simple explanation. Kinda stressful, right?

Let’s look at some examples of studies that have attempted to add clarity to our understanding of the subject. The study by Holmes and Rahe (1967) looked at the impact of life events on our levels of stress, giving them each a rating. Some of these were positive drivers of stress (packing for a holiday, getting married, moving house) where the stress is typically self-inflicted and has an end-date. Others were negative drivers of stress, inflicted by events outside our control (redundancy, a death of a family member, personal injury).

We can also apply this positive/negative stress thinking to the workplace. The correct levels of stress leads to a positive result where you feel engaged in you work, productive, with a real sense of purpose. Unfortunately, this can all too easily tip over into negative stress, and lead to sleepless nights, anxious thoughts and isolation. The problem lies in the fact that the optimum balance is not easy to find, and this relationship between levels of stress and levels of productivity was famously depicted in the bell-curve graph better known as the Yerkes-Dodson law.

Practically speaking, stress is when the demands put on us outweigh the resources we have to deal with them. It’s these resources that we must focus on, and that are essential to us building resilience and, in turn, feeling less stressed in situations that would otherwise lead to stress. Levels of stress-tolerance can be readily increased by taking care to grow and build the resources you have in place to deal with tough situations – resources including your social support, ability to relax, emotional make-up, attitudes and beliefs and physical health. Indeed, 32% of people use exercise to overcome stress (1) and the recent TedTalk by Olympic silver medallist Leon Taylor explains how physical movement has a direct link to improved mental health, happiness and stress-reduction (2). The faster pace of human life today (instant messaging, faster transport) has meant levels of adrenaline are at an all-time high. Exercise is one way of releasing an otherwise unhealthy build up of this fight or flight hormone.

Perhaps one of the most powerful stress-resilience resources we have, yet one of the hardest to use, is the word ‘no’. How many times have you felt that you were taken advantage of? That you went along with something/someone/some situation that didn’t feel right? For many people, this has the potential to happen on a daily basis, from work situations, right through to personal relationships and the fear of letting people down. The good news is we can learn to notice when this is happening and how to avoid it, practising an enlightened self-interest that allows one to communicate warmly exactly what their limits and boundaries are – and be able to say ‘no’ when required.

We can never be stress free – and nor would we want to, given the positive effects of the right kind, and level, of stress. But learning to detect stress and having safeguards in place to prevent stress from becoming all too overwhelming is one of the most powerful life-skills we can learn. By being conscious of this and taking steps to build our resilience, we take the first step in achieving an optimum balance.

References and further reading

(1)  https://www.forthwithlife.co.uk/blog/great-britain-and-stress/

(2)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkZl2gsLUp4

Overcoming stress;  Brosan, Leee and Todd, Gillian; Hachette UK, 2009

The Stress Solution: The 4 Steps to Reset - Body Mind Relationship and Purpose; Chatterjee, Rangan, Penguin Books, 2019

Not woman enough: deconstructing constructs

I was a little apprehensive about writing this feature. The subject of gender norms, gender constructs and gender stereotypes is charged with heavy opinions and even heavier judgement. Decades – no, centuries – of literature has been written on the stuff. Where does one even begin with approaching such a sensitive and critical, yet divisive and contentious, topic? Given the personal and authentic nature of my writing, I decided to start close to home.

The truth is, as I have grown older I have realised that things I ‘should’ be interested in, that are defined as ‘female norms’ do not excite me to the degree you might expect. And I don’t just mean the colour pink, sparkly make-up and baking cakes, but to the aspirations every little girl is told they should aspire towards: starting a family, a fairy-tale wedding, finding a soulmate.

Don’t get me wrong, these are wonderful things to want and to have. Critically, I myself am not ruling them out. Believe it or not, I am a hopeless romantic at heart and incredibly passionate. But what I can’t quite understand is why, when I explain to others that things like marriage or family are perhaps lower down on my list of priorities - and that if it happens, it happens, but if not, that’s okay too - I am met with raised eyebrows and surprised looks. It’s as if, one’s life couldn’t possibly be complete without these engrained traditions and milestones. As if, one isn’t ‘woman enough’ to not conform with the usual path set out for women.  

I know what you’re thinking. You’re too young to know, you will change, oh, but maybe one day… I have heard it all before, time and time again. I understand that this may, indeed, be the case. We as humans constantly evolve and to say that one will remain exactly the same as their 20-something self is naive. But right now, I know how I feel, and what troubles me most is how society shies away from these beliefs. There is an unspoken, yet visible tension around them - a taboo.

Equality has gone far, but perhaps not far enough. I have friends in their 30’s who are continually asked not if they want children, but when they will have children. Men the same age rarely get asked the question. The same is said for marriage. One wouldn’t bat an eye at the single bachelor man, but the equivalent older woman is (not always, but often) the subject of speculation and inquisition. The term ‘spinster’ may have been dropped, but surrounding attitudes behind the word remain prevalent in hidden, wholly sub-conscious, pockets. Indeed, it was only last week when my concierge looked at the letter addressed to me and asked ‘so when will you be changing the Miss to a Mrs?’ He meant no harm, it was a joke and I took no offence – but what I did note was that the expectation of marriage was unapologetically there.

On LinkedIn the other day, I saw a post that celebrated a picture of a sprint-track with men on the outside lanes, women on the inside lanes, heading towards a successful career. Ahead of the female lanes were pictures of cooking, cleaning, children and chores, depicted as obstacles on the track. The male lanes were empty. The caption was a celebration of the fact that women are not only achieving fantastic careers, but are also juggling stereotypical female chores. I couldn’t believe my eyes – nor the number of likes the post had generated. Celebrating such a stereotype – even if cast as something positive – is incredibly detrimental. The effect? It perpetuates the problem that women are traditionally home-makers, and to divert from this is to divert from some kind of unspoken acceptance.

Another example was the recent advert by Boden which was the centre of a gender construct row. The catalogue shows on one page a boy with a bike next to the words "Boys start every adventure with a bike (or a pair of very fast legs)", while on another page girls are encouraged to "fill your pockets (and wardrobes) with flowers and race this way". Since when were women not encouraged to seek ‘adventure’ too? The worrying thing is that this advert was aimed at young children, which brings us to back to that age-old ‘nature vs nurture’ row. Is who we are ingrained within us, or an effect of our upbringing and environment? Indeed, at my Muay Thai classes, men far outnumber women – as if fighting, adventure and action is something instilled into boys over girls from a very young age. And yes, traditionally speaking this was the case. But not now. Just as it shouldn’t be of any surprise whatsoever that there are men out there who actively choose to become stay at home dads and defy the stereotype of the man being the family provider.

In short, we must resist categorising. Which brings me back to those traditional goals of women. I ask you, if a woman is not married, or decides not to have children, or puts other things above the traditional family hub, resist the urge to ask ‘why?’ and instead see it from a broader lens that focuses on individualism rather than gender. Not aspiring to these things, or seeing them as critical to my life, doesn’t mean I am not a ‘normal woman’, or ‘woman enough’. I embrace my womanhood in its absolute entirety – I just ask society to not define what that means.

Further Reading

Inferior: How Science Got Women Wrong - and the New Research That's Rewriting the Story; Angela Saini; Beacon Press; 2017

Woman and Men: Cultural Constructs of Gender; Nancy Bonvillian; Prentice Hall; 2001

Ditch the pride: why asking for help is a strength, not weakness

Hands up if you have ever been stuck at something? It can be anything – from learning a new system at work, to trying a new yoga position, to wondering how on earth you assemble that IKEA flatpack. Now, how many times did you ask for help? Or did you just wait there and try your hardest to do anything but ask for assistance, in the fear of appearing weak or, even worse, ‘stupid’? What about those times when you have wanted advice on a more emotional problem - but have kept your lips sealed because of pride or not wanting to appear vulnerable? Probably many more times.

Truth is, asking for help may be perceived as a weakness, but is – in truth – a strength. The reason? We may not have all the answers ourselves, but if we can broach the initial hurdle of the (often subconscious) ego, we can absorb a huge amount of knowledge and advice from those around us. A hugely successful leader I know once said to me that ‘In order to be successful you don’t have to know everything – but you do have to know who to ask’. This has stuck in my mind for years, because it captures the very fact that asking for help is a hidden, yet understated, weapon with the ability to move you forward much more than initially thought.

In her infamous book ‘Mindset’ (1), psychologist and writer Dr Carolyn Dweck, studies the role of failure in achieving success. Part of her argument lies in the power of asking for help. One case-study she looks at are children who are struggling at maths. She puts them in two camps – first, those who are bad at maths, accept they are bad at maths and refuse all help (the ‘fixed’ mindset) and second, those who are bad at maths, seek help and actively want to improve (the ‘growth’ mindset). Over the period of the study, it is the latter camp - those who are not afraid to accept their inherent weakness and seek assistance - who go on to achieve better results in the subject and arguably, set themselves up for better future prospects.

And the truth is, no matter how advanced you are at something, there will always be room for improvement, always room to learn more from others. It’s why CEO’s will continue to attend training and development courses, why employees at every level are encouraged to have a mentor, why top athletes still seek advice from others in their field.

In the context of mental health, asking for help becomes even more poignant. According to the World Health Organisation, one in four people in the world will have a a mental disorder at some point in their lives, while over 300 million people globally suffer from depression (2). Asking for help and seeking advice is proven to be the first step in treating mental illness. But due to social stigma or the pride of some individuals (or indeed both, for the two go hand in hand), speaking out and getting help can be hard – meaning the impact worsens over time. For men, this has been proven to be more of an issue and it’s one reason why male suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 40 (3). It’s incredible to think how the simple act of asking for help from a friend, or even an anonymous helpline, could have a considerable impact on reducing this tragic statistic.

Asking for help, then, is important no matter what the area. It has benefits in your career, your fitness, your hobbies and – at the most basic level - those times when you can’t practically do something (yes, lightbulb, I’m looking at you). Yet, at the other end of the spectrum, asking for help has the ability to not only guide, but save lives.

Ditching our ego and seeking assistance is one of the strongest things we can do to better ourselves, our future and our happiness. So don’t wait around – whatever that problem, just ask.

References

(1) Mindset - Updated Edition: Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential; Carol Dweck, Hachette UK,  2017

(2) The World Health Organisation, https://www.who.int/

(3) https://www.thecalmzone.net/help/get-help/suicide/

An authentic self

The other day in the gym, I caught the eye of someone who was dancing while waiting to use a machine - so engaged was he in his music. And when I say dancing, I mean full on bopping. My initial reaction was to laugh. This is a gym after all - where only grunts, serious faces and Lycra are allowed. And yet there he was, centre stage, jamming along to whatever joyous music was streaming out from his headphones. I studied him a little closer and saw he wasn’t looking around at anyone else, wasn’t shying away from stares. He was just being himself - and didn’t care about the judgement that came with it. As I got up from the machine he was waiting for, he smiled at me, as if knowing what I was thinking. I left the gym feeling instantly refreshed.

It’s easy to see why. In a world where we often feel restricted to be and act ‘in a certain way’ because ‘that’s normal’, we risk suppressing our innermost feelings and actions in the fear of judgement. Too much of this can eventually manifest itself into social anxiety, something that – compounded by the age of social media – is gripping our generation. Indeed, in Ellen Hendriksen’s series of social questionnaires (1) one of the most striking and common answers was ‘I worry about expressing myself in case I appear awkward to other people’.

Of course, completely expressing yourself is far easier said than done. How many times have you held back tears, not wanting to appear vulnerable (an even worse situation for men and the pressures of appearing ‘masculine’, whatever that means)? How many times have you replied ‘I’m good thanks’ to your colleague, when really you are anything but good? And to go back to the dancing story, how many times have you felt so happy but not been able to properly, genuinely, express this? It’s as if we have a filter on ourselves all the time. Of course, this filter is needed. It would be a ludicrous idea to express yourself whenever you want, however you want. The idea of being your ‘authentic self’ is not to be confused with being inconsiderate, expressing yourself as you wish even at the detriment of other people. Rather, it boils down to those two charged words we all strive to do, yet still struggle at: to be yourself.

As a young child, I had a favourite saying. ‘No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them’. The root of this lies in the very fact that if you are unapologetically yourself, yet feel judged or uncomfortable, that’s not other people’s problem but yours - for letting it get to you. The dancing guy in the gym didn’t feel inferior, because he didn’t worry about the stares around him, even if there were stares. By being himself, he could let go of his inhibitions and live out the emotions he was feeling in the fullest sense.

You might suppose that in a work or office environment, not showcasing many feelings or personality is the right way to be. You’d be wrong. As Gareth R. Jones and Robert Goffee explain in their book ‘Why Should Anyone be Led by You?’ , all good leaders are authentic in their style and personality (2). By being themselves and not constantly suppressing their feelings, they instil their teams with a) a sense of genuineness and b) a sense of confidence that they too, can be themselves. This is a strong base for leadership. One of the most successful directors I know will openly joke about his weekend, his hobbies, even his past embarrassments. It’s human, it’s relateable and it’s real. People want to feel liberated in the same way.  

We can’t escape judgement, but what we can do is decide what opinions really matter. We can practice expressing ourselves more, rather than constantly holding back. For me, that will begin with feeling the music, just like my gym-friend. When ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’ next comes on during my commute, you’ll see me tapping my shoes and nodding my head - not worrying about the looks around me but focusing on the feeling of self-expression and liberation. Here’s to that - to being brave and expressing yourself. To being your authentic self.

References

(1) How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety; Ellen Hendriksen; St. Martin's Press, 2018

(2) Why Should Anyone Be Led by You?; Robert Goffee, Gareth Jones; Harvard Business Press, 2006

The power of empathy

It’s funny how you keep evolving. We often think - naively - that who we are now will be who we are in the future. The truth is, as the years pass, your outlook changes, your priorities change, your perspectives change and who you are as a whole also changes. Indeed, it’s this very ‘self-evolution’ that has got me thinking recently how important empathy is. Something - dare I say it - I hadn’t given much care for during my teenage years or early 20’s.

Empathy, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”. In a consumerist, digital and increasingly self-absorbed society it is often very easy to shrug off the feelings of another and offer a rational approach to their situation. Indeed, this logical ‘head’ approach is easy to give and something I’ll admittedly go for first. Your boyfriend broke up with you? ‘Grab yourself a tub of ice-cream and remember there are plenty of fishes in the sea’ You got a promotion? ‘That’s awesome - you have to go celebrate!’ Your relative passed away? ‘Sorry to hear, I hope you are coping okay’. But how much do we actually feel what they feel? Happiness, sadness, joy pain. Of course, we can never share the feelings of another to the same degree - nor would we want to - but to be able to relate even slightly is, what I believe to be, the power of empathy.

As humans, we are all born with a capacity for empathy, but this must be developed and nurtured over our lives, and the degree of empathy varies from one person to the next, much like the level of emotional intelligence an individual has. (1) The good news is becoming more ‘empathetic’ is something we can all improve on. You might think ‘but why?’. Studies have shown that greater levels of empathy are linked to your personal happiness. (2) Of course, if you are able to share the feelings of joy with another person then it goes without saying you will be happier. But sharing someone else’s pain? Actually yes - sharing any emotion with someone forges stronger relationships and deeper connections which are, in themselves, a fundamental part of human happiness.

Empathy is also essential in the workplace. You may think that ‘leaving your emotions at home’ is the way to navigate through office life. Yet it’s been proven that a culture that fosters an empathetic workplace leads to more engaged employees, which itself leads to greater levels of productivity amongst staff. In fact, 60% of employees would be willing to take slightly less pay if their employer showed empathy, and 78% of employees would leave an employer for equal pay if the other company was empathetic. (3).

Greater happiness and greater productivity levels? Empathy stems much further than you might think. As we start a new year, it’s this aspect of emotional intelligence I am determined to develop. Having always been the ‘head over heart’ type, it’s time for me to let my heart open to others a little more, to feel and understand what they do, and to start nurturing this very special trait we all have inside of us.

References

(1) Daughter Detox: Recovering from An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life ; Peg Streep 2017

(2) https://www.chatelaine.com/health/how-empathy-can-make-you-happier/

(3) https://www.forbes.com/sites/shephyken/2018/02/25/a-600-billion-employee-engagement-problem-solved-empathy/#28324a8bb1a3

Online communication: a false sense of connection?

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, Snapchat, Whatsapp. The list continues. There are now so many different platforms for you to reach out to other people and communicate. Whereas once being on the other side of the world would signal the end of a friendship or connection, the words ‘add me on Facebook’ have become common, the platform acting as a suitable buffer to the possibility of loosing touch. The power of digital connection has meant we can communicate in multiple ways, at multiple times, to multiple people all over the world. Sharing pictures at the blink of an eye (quite literally) is an easy affair, and a way to make the other person feel as if they were ‘there’ with you too.

But what happens when we take this too far? When the medium of digital connectivity in fact displaces ‘real’ (yes, real!) human interaction? Indeed, the average person in the UK spends more than a day a week online, according to a landmark report on the impact of the “decade of the smartphone” (1) And when it comes to social media, we spend over five years of our lives online (2). I feel the effects myself. Sometimes, I feel ‘lazy’ at arranging social meet-ups, knowing that not seeing each other isn’t really a big deal, given we can communicate online as much as we want when we want. We can share pictures of what we are doing on our Instagram stories and sense that we are somehow ‘keeping in touch’ with our friends by doing so. It’s this ease and ability that has given the modern age arguably a false sense of connectivity. Could it be that we are, in fact, lonelier and less connected than our predecessors before the digital era?

Think about it. How many times have you had a back-and-forth conversation with someone in the same city, who you could have met in person that evening? How many times have you texted your flatmate in the room next door, rather than knocking on their door? How many times have you spoken to someone on a dating platform for weeks, hiding behind a screen with no sense of whether you actually share a connection in real-life? These are common scenarios I find myself in, sometimes with a sinking sense of disappointment that the digital era has resulted in this. For sure, it’s made it easier and quicker to communicate, but is the quality of our communication the same? After all, not much can beat face to face human interaction.

From a personal perspective, I once dated someone who hated texting full stop and only wanted to ever communicate in person. This presented its difficulties - the silence between seeing each other was often filled with uncertainty. However, the positive side meant we made more of an effort to see each other and when we did, there was endless and meaningful conversation, an excitement that may not have been present had we spent our evenings sending texts back and forth discussing why the shower was leaking.

Meanwhile my cousin - only 16 years old - will spend his time on Snapchat after school. Once upon a time, a 16 year old boy would spend every evening outside, playing football with his friends - a real life and no doubt healthier way to pass the time.

So where does this leave us? Digital connectivity has bought with it many perks and benefits, but it should also be used with an air of caution. For me, a phone-call is the perfect way of compromising between a real-life interaction (which, let’s face it, may not always be convenient for either party) and texting. People between the ages of 25–34 typically send and receive more than 75 messages per day (3). Checking in with yourself to make sure you are not compromising your time with loved ones by relying on digital communication is another way of staying mindful. As the age-old saying goes, it’s quality that matters, not quantity. It’s the value our communication brings, not the number of texts we send.

References

(1) https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/08/01/decade-smartphones-now-spend-entire-day-every-week-online/

(2) https://www.entrepreneur.com/slideshow/306136

(3) https://medium.com/bsg-sms/50-texting-statistics-that-can-quench-everyones-curiosity-even-mine-7591b61031f5

Why life is a journey not a destination

Hands up if you have goals? Yep, me too. Having goals is what gives us drive, what makes us wake up in the morning. It’s why we want to do well at work, why we push ourselves that little further at the gym, why we invest our money and indeed invest our time into relationships that may (or may not) lead somewhere. How many times have you heard people ask ‘what’s your five year plan?’ and ‘where do you see yourself in 10 years time?’ How do these questions make you feel? Do you feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety that you really should have your life all planned?

If you’re a planner like me, the answer is probably yes. You’ll no doubt have a few mile-stones you want in your life. But truth is - and this is a fundamentally difficult thing to accept - we simply cannot map out our lives, even if we tried our very best. Of course we can have goals and aims, but circumstances outside our control can change. And when circumstances change, so too can our goals. The optimistic saying ‘live every day like it’s your last’ might sound a little overboard, but comes from a real (and sombre) place. It says that life is precious and precarious - we could all be gone tomorrow so live your fullest while you can.

I say this, not to be depressing, but to put our goals into perspective. Yes, they are key to our personal success but becoming too obsessed with them (whatever they are - marriage, kids, house, career progression) risks detracting from the very journey that takes us there. I like to compare this to a mountaineer desperate to reach the summit of the mountain. In his obsession with reaching the peak, he misses all the beauty around him and sacrifices some of the smaller experiences he could have had along the way.

There is a multitude of philosophy on this subject and serves for some deep reading. Boethius’s Wheel of Fortune - a staple in literature - muses on life being full of ups and downs. ‘Mutability is our tragedy, but also our hope’. Change can be for bad - or for good. Drawing from this, Chinese philosopher Confucius explains that ‘ The wheel of fortune turns round incessantly, and who can say to himself, I shall today be uppermost’. The answer is - no one. We might be able to plan our outfits, but we cannot plan our lives.

Why do I say all this? I think because it’s something I have realised more since moving out of my family home and starting a career. At school and university, your time is structured by exams and tests. After that, there is less of a ‘set path’, as it were. And that’s okay. We don’t need to create one. We can have goals and aspirations and we can be flexible to the very fact that they may change for whatever reason - and that’s okay too. Life is a journey, not a destination. It’s what makes it exciting, different, unexpected, unpredictable. It’s what ultimately gives us those highs and also those lows. Explain that next time someone asks you your five year plan.

Further reading:

The Consolation of Philosophy, Ancius Boethius, Penguin Books UK, 2003

Life is a Journey, Not a Destination: Simple ways to finding peace, joy and happiness in your everyday life, T.C Downing, Trafford Publishing, 2012